Marriage Men and Women (also known as Divorced Men and Women or Fallen Leaves) 10 (adult novel adapted from anime)

10. The Age of Innocence

If you shed tears when you miss the sun, you will also miss the stars.

——Rabindranath Tagore

The look in Ms. C's eyes brought back a long-forgotten memory.

That was ten years ago, at the turn of spring and summer in 1996. I was 25 years old, had just started working, and was not yet married. At that time, I did not work in a company, but in a certain government agency, as a clerk at the lowest level.

There is a girl in our agency who has just been working for a year. She is two or three years younger than me and is a local. Her facial features are delicate and dignified, her eyes are big and clear, she has long straight hair and a fair complexion, she looks very pure overall, but her lips are thick and her lip lines are clear, which makes her look a little sexy.

Although the girl and I work in the same building, we are not on the same floor. Sometimes due to work needs, I would go to their company to handle some official business, run errands, deliver official documents, solicit opinions, co-sign documents, etc. I didn’t notice it at first, but the more I went there, the more I felt like there was a pair of eyes always watching me, and the gaze was different from that of others.

At first I wondered if I was being overly sentimental, but as time went on I realized that it wasn’t. Can you imagine that someone who doesn't care about you at all will watch your every move whenever she sees you go to her big office, regardless of whether you pay attention to her or not?

Sometimes I was so annoyed by her stare that I couldn't help but look back. When our eyes met, she would panic and pretend to continue working, and I would also panic and look away. This is how we, the post-70s generation, express our feelings, a little more subtle.

As time went by, the girl and I gradually became familiar with each other. When I went to their place to do some work and she stared at me, I would nod and smile at her, and she would smile at me too, and then go back to work.

Several months passed like this. Finally, one day at noon when we were eating in the office cafeteria, she noticed me and sat down in front of me with a stainless steel lunch plate. After sitting down, she first looked at the food on my plate and said, "Oh, you are quite picky about food."

She was absolutely right. I am quite picky about food and don't like eating vegetables. I am a carnivore. But at the same time, I don't like eating pork and I especially like beef. I am a person who has a natural affinity with other people as long as I don’t see beautiful women. I quickly became familiar with the chef in the cafeteria. The master knows my hobby, and as long as there is beef, he will give me a lot. That day, we had beef stew with potatoes for dinner, and my plate was almost entirely filled with this dish.

I smiled sheepishly and replied, "Well, I don't like vegetables. I've been like this since I was a child. I only like to eat beef."

The girl said again: "That's not good, the nutrition needs to be balanced. Hey, I have a lot of vegetables here, please bring some over, I haven't had time to eat yet."

Girls generally like to eat green vegetables, and there are a lot of them on her plate. But seeing her asking me to do this, I felt embarrassed and quickly declined, "No way, that's not enough for you. Thank you so much."

Seeing that I didn't move my chopsticks, the girl picked some spinach and put it on my plate, saying, "Eat it quickly. Green vegetables are very nutritious."

Although I was still a young man at that time, I was not a fool. This kind of concern and the way she looked at me made me feel clearly that this girl was probably interested in me.

The girl chatted with me while eating, and said that there was a very good movie being shown in theaters recently, called "The Mask", starring Jim Carrey, it was very funny, and the ticket was twenty-five dollars. She asked me if I wanted to go and see it. Although I like watching movies, I seldom go to the cinema and spend dozens of dollars to watch movies. It was in college that I developed the habit of spending a little more than one dollar to watch videos. At that time, I had just started working, my salary was still low, and I was still planning for the future. Twenty-five yuan was a bit of a luxury for me.

But that's not the problem. The problem is, why did she tell me this? Speaking of watching movies, before that, I had only watched movies with one person of the opposite sex, and that was my girlfriend at the time, who later became my wife and now my ex-wife.

Damn, that’s not possible, I already have a girlfriend, I can’t go to the movies with you. My mind was racing, thinking about how to gracefully decline her invitation.

So I found an excuse and said, "Huh? Twenty-five dollars a ticket, that's a bit too expensive."

Unexpectedly, the girl heard what I said and said, "Well, it's a bit expensive, but I have two tickets for tonight. Can we go and watch it together?"

When I heard this, I thought: Oh my god, even the tickets are ready. What should I do? No, absolutely not. How can I be worthy of my girlfriend by watching a movie with others?

At that time, I really wanted to tell her that it was not possible because I already had a girlfriend. However, I am a fussy person and always speak in a roundabout way. I am also embarrassed to disappoint others directly, after all, they have been so good to me.

After thinking for a while, I made up a lie and said, "That won't work. My parents are watching me very closely. If I come back late from the movie, they will question me."

The girl laughed and said, "You are so stubborn. Can't you just call and tell your company to book the place?"

It's over. At this point, she has refuted all my reasons for not going to see it, unless I tell her directly that I have a girlfriend. However, looking at her expectant eyes, I couldn't bear to say this, because it would make her so sad and disappointed.

After much hesitation, I had to agree to her request against my will, reminding myself in my heart: I must always stick to the principles when watching a movie, and never cross the line, and never do it again.

The girl happily finished her meal with me. When she got up to leave, she saw that I didn't take the yogurt provided for lunch, so she got another box for me. I have never liked drinking milk or any dairy products since I was a child, so when I see milk or yogurt with lunch, I usually don’t take it. However, when the girl stuffed it in my mouth, I drank it.

We got in the elevator together and went up to her floor. She got off first, and when she left, she turned around and glanced at me, saying, "I'll come find you after get off work, wait for me."

I said "hmm" and looked at her. Her eyes were as clear as a pool of spring water, which made people feel distracted. Then I thought of the other people in the elevator, and my face suddenly felt hot. I lowered my head in a hurry and didn't dare to raise it again.

My home is local and my company has not arranged a dormitory for me, so I usually go back to my parents' home to spend the night. At that time, my girlfriend's workplace was far away from mine, and we didn't have a car. If we wanted to meet after get off work, it would take one or two hours just to take the bus. So, my girlfriend and I are not together during the week, but only on weekends. Usually, I go to see her on weekends, then go shopping, eat, and then go back to her dormitory to spend the night. The next morning, we go back to my parents' house together, or go out to play. On weekdays, if there is nothing special, I still have time.

Just after getting off work that afternoon, the girl came to my office to find me. At that time, several colleagues who did not take the bus had not left yet. When they saw her looking for me, they hurried away with ambiguous smiles on their faces.

The girl was quite generous and greeted them with a nod and a smile.

Instead, I became at a loss, fearing that these colleagues might leak the news and tell my girlfriend.

I stared at the two small national and party flags on the desk in a panic, and only dared to look up at her when we were the only two left. Before leaving get off work that day, she must have washed and dressed up: her long hair, which was still loose at noon, was carefully combed into a thick black braid; she also sprayed some perfume on her body, with a fresh scent of jasmine.

I was looking at her and she was looking at me. She was stroking the ends of her braids hanging in front of her chest with both hands. She was smiling, and her big eyes were blinking, as clear as a pool of spring water.

That night we just ate some Goubuli steamed buns outside. While we were eating, she kept putting steamed buns in my mouth as if she was afraid that I wasn’t full. I was concentrating on eating the buns, and when I occasionally looked up, I would see her staring at me. Her gaze seemed to melt me, making me want to look but not dare to, and also want to look but not dare to.

The movie that day was really interesting, so much so that I always fantasized about becoming a fun character like The Mask. Later, after the Internet became popular, when I went to the BBS, no matter which website I visited, I would subconsciously register an ID called The Mask. The reason for this is actually because I feel regret for the fate that I missed and the person that I missed.

When the movie reached the part where the male lead Jim Carrey blew a heart-shaped smoke ring at the female lead Cameron Diaz, the girl leaned her head gently on my shoulder. The thick black braids rubbed gently against my arms, and the fragrant scent of jasmine penetrated my nostrils, intoxicating.

But I had no mind to enjoy these. Instead, I closed my eyes nervously, cold sweat broke out on my forehead, and my body involuntarily dodged to the other side.

There is no doubt that this girl is prettier than my girlfriend, has a gentler personality than my girlfriend, is more considerate to me than my girlfriend, is much better educated than my girlfriend, and is a local. It would be a lie to say I wasn't attracted to her. But the problem was, I already had a girlfriend at that time, and I had to be responsible for sleeping with her, otherwise wouldn’t I become a modern Chen Shimei, condemned by everyone?

Thinking of this, I quickly left her under the pretext of going to the bathroom. When we returned, I was leaning on the other end of the chair as if I had hemiplegia, making it impossible for her to lean on me.

After the movie, I sent the girl home. When we arrived at the door of the apartment, she was reluctant to go upstairs. She stood there and turned to look at me, as if she was waiting for something and didn't say anything.

I didn’t know what to say, so I said “see you tomorrow” in a panic and turned away. As soon as he was out of her sight, he ran towards the bus stop as if he was escaping for his life.

Faced with a girl like this expressing her love to me, I also hesitated; in fact, it was not just hesitation, but I was in great torment inside.

At that time, my girlfriend and I had been together for more than three years, and I felt more and more clearly that she had some deep-rooted laziness and bad habits. Although these things seem trivial, the two often have conflicts and quarrels over these issues. My girlfriend is very stubborn, so I usually have to give in. Concessions are concessions, but there is always a lot of dissatisfaction accumulated in the heart.

During the Spring Festival of the year before our graduation, because we were about to be assigned a job, I needed to ask my girlfriend's parents for their opinion on her future assignment, so I went with her to her hometown and spent the New Year at her home.

As soon as I came into contact with her family, I felt that this family was strange: a future father-in-law who worked silently like a robot, and a future mother-in-law who was domineering and talked nonsense but did nothing. When my future son-in-law came to visit, her family finally got together, but instead of asking about each other's well-being or expressing their affection for each other, they ignored me and started arguing with me. There was a lot of chatter and I couldn't understand what they were arguing about.

This scene always makes me feel like something is wrong. To be honest, I was standing there awkwardly watching them quarrel, and I really had the urge to buy a train ticket and escape back to Beijing alone.

Looking at her family environment again, let alone being poor, the key point is that it is too dirty: the walls are covered with black marks from leaking rain, and they are not cleaned even during the New Year; hanging on the wall is a portrait of Chairman Mao, which is almost extinct in the city, and it is covered with dust and cobwebs; when I took off my shoes to go to bed at night and looked under the bed, oh my god, it was simply a garbage dump; I couldn't sleep well in the middle of the night, and the flea bites made my whole body itchy.

What is even more strange is the fearful expression on the father-in-law's face in front of the mother-in-law. This is a strange family. There is neither equality between men and women nor male superiority over women. Instead, it is the opposite: men are inferior and women are superior.

It is not easy for me to get along with my girlfriend. She has a bad temper and is often moody. She gets angry at me for no reason, and the frequency of her anger and the far-fetched reasons are sometimes so frequent that I even wonder if she has some mental problem.

When I first started working, my girlfriend and I had a conflict, which led me to break up with her for the first time. That was early 1995, when taking artistic photos was just becoming popular in China. When my girlfriend saw my second sister-in-law taking a set of artistic photos with pretty good results, she felt envious and told me that she also wanted to take a set.

We have never seen this kind of artistic photos before. My second sister-in-law was very beautiful when she was young. The artistic photos make her look even more radiant and charming. Now that my girlfriend wants to take a photo, of course I am happy. So, I asked my second sister-in-law for her contact information, helped my girlfriend make an appointment, and paid for her.

At that time, the system of alternating single-day and double-day weekends was still in place, and the day we made an appointment was a single-day weekend on Sunday. That day, I accompanied my girlfriend to the private photo studio, and we were both in high spirits along the way.

The person who took the photo of my girlfriend was a fat man wearing glasses. He was also the founder of this photo studio. He looked a bit like the singer Yin Xiangjie and looked chubby and cute. In order to ensure the photo quality, I paid extra money and made an appointment with him to do it personally.

Taking artistic photos requires changing several sets of clothes and hairstyles. When my girlfriend was taking pictures, I carried her bag and clothes for her. After taking a few photos, when she changed her hairstyle to a bun, I suggested, "Wouldn't it look better with grapevines hanging down on both sides of this bun?"

It was just a well-intentioned suggestion, but surprisingly, it caused her to fly into a rage and yell, "None of your business! Get out of the way!"

I was hit by her without any reason. I was stunned for a moment and couldn't react for a long time.

At that time, besides her and I, there was also a makeup artist, a makeup artist's assistant, a few female customers who were also having their makeup done, their makeup artists, and their boyfriends, about ten people in total. Everyone suddenly heard her scolding and looked at us, some even couldn't help laughing.

More than ten pairs of mocking eyes were directed at me, making me feel ashamed.

I stood aside awkwardly, feeling my face burning, and I really wanted to find a hole in the ground to crawl into. But because there were so many people present, I was embarrassed to fight back and make a fool of myself, so I had to walk out of the dressing room and ran to the corridor to smoke a cigarette. I was so angry.

When she finished taking the photos and we came out of the studio, I couldn't help but ask, "What happened to you just now? How did I offend you?"

I thought she would explain and say she was in a bad mood and the matter would be over, but she was still sullen and shouted fiercely: "I said don't bother with it, so don't bother with it! Can't you just be smart and shut your stinky mouth?"

We were walking on the street at the time. Her shout startled the passers-by and they all saluted us.

Faced with this situation, anger began to fill my eyes. I was originally very excited to contact a photo studio for her, pay the money, accompany her to take photos, and carry her bag. Not only was she humiliated for no reason, but I also gave her a way out, but she wouldn't back down and embarrassed me in public twice in a row. No matter how well-mannered I am, I will still feel very unhappy.

I suppressed my anger and said to her, "How am I being rude? Huh? I'm just giving you a suggestion. Is that out of line? If you don't want to accept it, then don't accept it. Why are you scolding me? And in front of so many people? Are you sick? Fine, fine. Since you don't want me to intervene, I won't intervene."

After saying that, I stuffed her bag into her hand, but she refused to take it, so I threw the bag in front of her and turned and walked towards the bus stop.

Unexpectedly, after I walked for a while, I turned around and saw that she was still following me with a dead look on her face. This look made me even more angry. I didn't care about my image on the street anymore. I turned around and asked loudly, "What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? If you are dissatisfied with me, just tell me directly. I can't stand you being so crazy all the time. If you don't like me, then let's break up, okay?"

But after listening to me, she neither said she wanted to break up nor explained to me nor apologized to me. Instead, she continued to glare at me.

Seeing that she was so sick, I ignored her and walked towards the bus stop. Who would have thought that when I got to the station, I would find that she had followed me all the way, still with a sad face.

I was so depressed and confused that I couldn't help yelling at her again, "What the hell is wrong with you? Huh? Go wherever you want to make a fortune, why do you keep following me?"

As a result, after I asked her questions, she still didn't explain, apologize, or leave. Damn, there’s really nothing I can do with her. So I simply ignored her, waited for the bus to come, got on it and went home. Unexpectedly, she followed me into the car, followed me out of the car, and followed me to the downstairs of my house.

When I reached the door of the apartment building and was about to go upstairs, she suddenly grabbed my arm. I was extremely annoyed by the humiliation I had just suffered and her inexplicable attitude along the way, so I tried to push her away, but she held me back again.

I was so impatient that I shouted, "Are you fucking mentally ill? Let me go."

But she still didn't answer, still looked angry, and pulled my arm to stop me from going upstairs. I really couldn't get rid of her, and her attitude made me so angry that I raised my hand and slapped her. She then let go and I went home.

At that time, I thought, I’ve had enough of this lunatic, let’s just break up.

Unexpectedly, the next day after get off work, she actually came to me for dinner, as if nothing had happened, and did not mention a word about the violent conflict that happened yesterday.

She was fine, but I couldn't be fine with all the rage I had, so I told her, "I've made up my mind. I think our personalities are just not compatible. I don't want to hold you back. Let's just break up."

When my girlfriend heard me say that I wanted to break up, she started to cry and sobbed, saying, "I know I was wrong. I was wrong yesterday. I don't know why I was suddenly in a bad mood. Maybe I was annoyed by the makeup and changing clothes, and I got angry at you because you were too talkative."

I asked back, "Do you have any sense? You have to understand clearly that I accompanied you to take photos, made connections for you, and paid for you. I just gave you a suggestion, and you got so crazy? And in public, where do you want me to put my face? How can you be so stupid? To be honest, I have tolerated your crazy behavior more than once or twice. I have decided that I really can't stand you anymore. Let's break up."

The girlfriend cried and defended herself: "I am a woman, which woman doesn't have a temper? You never give in to me..."

I am naturally afraid of women crying in front of me. Seeing her crying so sadly, my tone softened: "Anyway, I can't stand you. If you want to continue to be with me, you must change your bad habits."

My girlfriend cried again and said, "Can't I change it later?"

Then, she pulled my arm again, shook it a few times, looked at me eagerly and said, "Shoujie, I know I was wrong, and I will never do it again."

Seeing her say she wanted to change and begging me like this, I completely softened and stopped mentioning breaking up.

But the problem is that similar conflicts do not occur just once, but occur one after another. Over time, I always suspected that she had some mental problem. But that doesn't make sense. She looks normal when she's with her colleagues and friends, but she becomes abnormal when she's in front of me.

In short, I had to be extremely cautious in everything I did with her. If I didn't serve her well enough, or even for no reason at all, she would yell at me in public like she did during the photo shoot, which made me extremely embarrassed every time. Moreover, my girlfriend has a very stubborn personality. She won't give in no matter whether she is right or wrong. As long as she loses her temper, if I don't break up, I will be the one who compromises in the end. Sometimes I couldn't stand it anymore and asked for a breakup, and she would immediately cry and beg me, which made me unable to bear the breakup.

I am the youngest in the family and several years younger than my two older brothers. Although I was not spoiled by my parents since I was a child, I was taken care of with extra care. But facing such a girlfriend, I can only learn how to serve her.

Looking back several years later, I feel that the reason for her temper lies in the special family structure of her family - a structure in which women are superior to men and yin is stronger than yang. Men have no status in her family. To put it bluntly, they are just slaves. In her home, her mother has the final say in everything.

Although her mother usually does nothing but play mahjong and quarrel in the village, she does have a skill, which is that she knows how to train a man to become a coward, and she has mastered the psychology of controlling husbands.

In my girlfriend's family, her mother is the overlord, the boss. Her mother's words are golden and the highest instructions. Her father lives with the emperor like a tiger, and he is very respectful to her. He has to execute the imperial edicts issued by her mother whether he understands them or not.

Originally, I thought that since she had received higher education, she would consciously resist such strange and ridiculous customs, but gradually I found that it was not the case. Her mother had already taught her all these things. She got angry at me for no reason, not because I did something inappropriate, nor because she wanted to pay homage to me, but because she was trying to highlight her status as the master in front of me and outsiders. Therefore, the more public the occasion, the angrier I get; the better I do, the more critical I become.

This is a very specific psychological distortion, and it is deeply rooted. This is also her way of struggle and survival. She is testing my bottom line step by step. Once she finds that I can't stand it, she will quickly try to win me back through false apologies and tears. Through this high-density but low-intensity tantrum, I gradually got used to her mastery and became numb; then it was like playing a computer game, entering the next level, and definitely in the Olympic spirit - "faster, higher, stronger."

When I was young, I played a game called "Tetris", and I felt that the designer of this game was really crazy. This is a game that you can never win: every time you finish a level, you immediately enter the next more difficult level, and the speed becomes faster and faster, and the shapes of the blocks become more and more complicated. In the end, no matter how you play, you will die. The only difference between an expert and a novice is whether one dies slowly or quickly.

If you meet someone who comes from a family where the yin is stronger than the yang, your marriage will be like this.

My girlfriend was only in her twenties at the time, so she might not have been able to consciously use these tactics. She simply inherited and developed the established principles taught by her mother. She was influenced by them since childhood, and learned them by herself when she grew up. It became her survival instinct. This is probably the reason why I gave so much in my later marriage but my other party was not grateful at all - if my ex-wife only regarded me as a slave like her father, then don't ever expect her to be grateful. You can't imagine that Empress Dowager Cixi would be grateful to Li Lianying, because Li Lianying died for her, and it was also her duty as a servant.

There are two types of families with more Yin than Yang: those with a strong woman and more Yin than Yang, and those with a shrew and more Yin than Yang.

I have not encountered the "strong woman type with more yin than yang", but I think the situation might be better. At least strong women are generally those with strong career ambitions and firm personalities. These women are actually generally reasonable, otherwise they cannot become strong women.

What I encountered was a "shrew-like situation where the yin is stronger than the yang". This type of situation where the yin is stronger than the yang is characterized by being unreasonable, shameless, sinister, and bluffing. Not only is it unreasonable, but it will also directly lead to family poverty.

My ex-wife's hometown is a poor place, and her family is the poorest in that poor village. The reason is that, as a slave, the ex-father-in-law has been firmly bound at home to serve the ex-mother-in-law. He has neither the mood nor the possibility to seek family development. As for my ex-mother-in-law, she not only controls my husband at home and quarrels with others, but she also can't earn a penny. In order to maintain her dominant position, she could only control her ex-father-in-law mentally and train him to become a callous working machine.

The price paid for doing so is family poverty.

My ex-father-in-law had long been trained to be numb and he didn't see anything wrong with living such a humble life. Even when I talked to him before he passed away, he said that this was a good idea and he was willing to do it. At that time, his liver disease was already very serious. Sometimes the pain was so severe that cold sweats broke out on his head, but he still worked hard every day. His ex-mother-in-law did not take his illness seriously, and would not take on any responsibility for him. His ex-father-in-law did not complain at all, and lived a peaceful life of "a silkworm may not stop spinning silk until death, a candle may not stop shedding tears until it is burned down to ashes" until he died quietly.

Don’t think that this kind of thing can’t happen. Human nature is a very strange thing. Isn’t there a phenomenon called “Stockholm Syndrome”? It refers to some people who have been abused for a long time, but love the abuser from the bottom of their hearts. For example, in North Korea, a country with tyrannical rule, many ordinary people are grateful to the tyrant and are ready to sacrifice themselves to defend the dwarf tyrant.

Don't think that the shrew-like situation of more women than men only exists in remote rural areas. There are still a large number of shrews in some modern metropolises. This type of new urban shrew is often highly educated and perhaps has a white-collar job. They often like to label themselves as "independent women" or "intellectual women" and hold up gimmicks such as "feminism". However, they are essentially the same as the rural old shrews, the only difference being some external factors such as diplomas, occupations, and social status.

Times are progressing, and the shrews' attire and education level are also improving, but their essence and soul have not changed. The reason why the new urban shrews inherit the traditional husband-controlling skills of the old rural shrews is only one: to live a parasitic life.

Being lazy and seeking personal gain at the expense of others are the dark sides of human nature. Each of us has these weaknesses to a greater or lesser extent. However, if we want to be a real person, we must learn to control the evil in our human nature. Otherwise, people cannot be human.

The question is, how can a family with a shrewish wife and more women than men have a good family tradition? The ancients summed it up well: the mother is the ruler of the country. The role played by the mother in the healthy growth of the next generation of a family is far greater than that of the father. This is determined by the different gender characteristics and family roles of men and women.

But at that time, neither I nor the elders in our family could understand what was going on in this unprecedented family with more women than men than women, and we also overestimated the educational role of higher education on people.

Now, a new choice is before me. Not to mention the worldly conditions, just say that the two people's personalities are worlds apart: compared with the girlfriend's unreasonable hot temper, this girl is as gentle as a pool of water. Even though I only watched a movie with her once, I could clearly feel that she was the kind of girl who was very careful and considerate, reserved but courageous, pretty but not arrogant, passionate but not frivolous, considerate but not out of line...

I couldn't sleep that night. The girl's bright eyes kept appearing in my mind, and then I thought of my girlfriend's eyes, which were also big, but slightly bulging and somewhat fierce.

After thinking for a long time without any result, I still couldn't sleep, so I had to get up, smoke a cigarette and read a book. However, after reading a few lines, I couldn't concentrate anymore. What appeared in front of me was those eyes again...

The next day, after I got home from get off work and had dinner, my mother suddenly called me aside and asked me, "San'er, are you worried about something?"

I quickly lied and said no.

Mom said again, "You lied to me. You didn't sleep all night last night. When your dad and I got up to go to the bathroom, we saw that the light in your room was on. You were never like this before. San'er, you have never hidden anything from me since you were a child. Now you have to tell the truth. Maybe your parents can help you. Did you have a conflict with your girlfriend again?"

Seeing that my mother didn't believe my lies, I had to tell her the truth: "Mom, I'm not having a conflict with her. It's just that recently, ah, how should I put it? There's a girl in our unit, ah, who told me that she likes me. The movie last night was not actually booked by our unit, but she invited me to watch it. To be honest, that girl has a much better personality than Zhang Jiali, and she's much prettier. She's a local, and her parents are both teachers. How should I put it, I actually think she's not bad, and she's very nice to me and very caring. It's just that I'm quite conflicted, ah, I don't know what to do..."

My mom could actually guess that I had lived with my girlfriend since we lived in the same city and sometimes I would stay overnight at her place. It was impossible to hide such a thing without leaving any trace.

Although my mother didn't dare to say directly "don't go to bed casually" before, she always nagged me in a tactful way, "be responsible when you date a girl." In fact, what she meant was that she wanted me to strictly abide by the bottom line before marriage and not go to bed casually.

But that was a different era back then, and I ignored her old talk. Whenever she nagged me about this, I would try to avoid her. Seeing me say this, my mother became serious and asked, "Then let me ask you, did you and Zhang Jiali have that affair?"

Seeing her asking me this, I couldn't hide it any longer, so I told her directly, "Yes, I have had it for a long time."

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Alas, it would be fine if my mother didn’t care about me, but this concern makes me even more confused. I was hesitant at first, but her words made me feel that if I broke up with my girlfriend and started over with that girl, I would become a morally corrupt person and would ruin the reputation of my family. This would be a huge sin.

Thinking of this, I quickly confessed to my mom, saying, "I didn't do anything with that girl. I just watched a movie, and she bought the ticket..."

After listening to what I said, my mother did not blame me any more. Instead, she said, "Hey, Shoujie, you are young, after all, this is your own business. At the beginning, when you were looking for a job for Zhang Jiali, your father and I were not too willing for you to find a foreigner. Apart from anything else, the family backgrounds are too different. In fact, we also wanted you to find someone of equal status, but seeing how much you were infatuated with her and thinking that you two were in love, we acquiesced and supported it. However, the situation is different now. You have been with her for more than three years and you should be planning to get married, but you still had that thing with her. You can't play with feelings. Of course, you are the one who makes the decision on this matter. I am just giving you my opinion. You know whether the shoes are suitable or not and who you feel happy with."

Although my mother told me to make my own decision, I already knew her attitude. Her conversation was like another reminder to me that I have to be responsible if I sleep with someone. Although I know that the world outside is more exciting, I just can't break free from this curse.

The concepts instilled in me since childhood are like a high wall that tightly encircles me. Later, I chose my ex-wife within these high walls, endured ten years of pain within these high walls, and then divorced, and only then did I walk out of these walls.

Many years later, whenever I think of the outdated ideas my mother instilled in me and that decisive conversation she had, I feel a little bit of hatred. So much so that when I was looking for a new start after my divorce, she gave me a shot of warning and repeated the old tune of "you have to be responsible if you date someone", I immediately talked back to her in an emotional state and told her with gritted teeth not to ever mention the word "responsible" in front of me again. I would never be bound by this stupid and outdated dogma again.

That was the first time in my life that I contradicted my mother so fiercely, and she was sad for a long time. But I don’t want to explain to her why I suddenly lost control of my emotions, nor do I want to apologize to her. This is an eternal pain in my heart, so painful that I don’t even want to look at it or think about it.

But at that time, neither I nor the elders in our family could understand what was going on in this unprecedented family with more women than men than women, and we also overestimated the educational role of higher education on people.

Now, a new choice is before me. Not to mention the worldly conditions, just say that the two people's personalities are worlds apart: compared with the girlfriend's unreasonable hot temper, this girl is as gentle as a pool of water. Even though I only watched a movie with her once, I could clearly feel that she was the kind of girl who was very careful and considerate, reserved but courageous, pretty but not arrogant, passionate but not frivolous, considerate but not out of line...

I couldn't sleep that night. The girl's bright eyes kept appearing in my mind, and then I thought of my girlfriend's eyes, which were also big, but slightly bulging and somewhat fierce.

After thinking for a long time without any result, I still couldn't sleep, so I had to get up, smoke a cigarette and read a book. However, after reading a few lines, I couldn't concentrate anymore. What appeared in front of me was those eyes again...

The next day, after I got home from get off work and had dinner, my mother suddenly called me aside and asked me, "San'er, are you worried about something?"

I quickly lied and said no.

Mom said again, "You lied to me. You didn't sleep all night last night. When your dad and I got up to go to the bathroom, we saw that the light in your room was on. You were never like this before. San'er, you have never hidden anything from me since you were a child. Now you have to tell the truth. Maybe your parents can help you. Did you have a conflict with your girlfriend again?"

Seeing that my mother didn't believe my lies, I had to tell her the truth: "Mom, I'm not having a conflict with her. It's just that recently, ah, how should I put it? There's a girl in our unit, ah, who told me that she likes me. The movie last night was not actually booked by our unit, but she invited me to watch it. To be honest, that girl has a much better personality than Zhang Jiali, and she's much prettier. She's a local, and her parents are both teachers. How should I put it, I actually think she's not bad, and she's very nice to me and very caring. It's just that I'm quite conflicted, ah, I don't know what to do..."

My mom could actually guess that I had lived with my girlfriend since we lived in the same city and sometimes I would stay overnight at her place. It was impossible to hide such a thing without leaving any trace.

Although my mother didn't dare to say directly "don't go to bed casually" before, she always nagged me in a tactful way, "be responsible when you date a girl." In fact, what she meant was that she wanted me to strictly abide by the bottom line before marriage and not go to bed casually.

But that was a different era back then, and I ignored her old talk. Whenever she nagged me about this, I would try to avoid her. Seeing me say this, my mother became serious and asked, "Then let me ask you, did you and Zhang Jiali have that affair?"

Seeing her asking me this, I couldn't hide it any longer, so I told her directly, "Yes, I have had it for a long time."

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Alas, it would be fine if my mother didn’t care about me, but this concern makes me even more confused. I was hesitant at first, but her words made me feel that if I broke up with my girlfriend and started over with that girl, I would become a morally corrupt person and would ruin the reputation of my family. This would be a huge sin.

Thinking of this, I quickly confessed to my mom, saying, "I didn't do anything with that girl. I just watched a movie, and she bought the ticket..."

After listening to what I said, my mother did not blame me any more. Instead, she said, "Hey, Shoujie, you are young, after all, this is your own business. At the beginning, when you were looking for a job for Zhang Jiali, your father and I were not too willing for you to find a foreigner. Apart from anything else, the family backgrounds are too different. In fact, we also wanted you to find someone of equal status, but seeing how much you were infatuated with her and thinking that you two were in love, we acquiesced and supported it. However, the situation is different now. You have been with her for more than three years and you should be planning to get married, but you still had that thing with her. You can't play with feelings. Of course, you are the one who makes the decision on this matter. I am just giving you my opinion. You know whether the shoes are suitable or not and who you feel happy with."

Although my mother told me to make my own decision, I already knew her attitude. Her conversation was like another reminder to me that I have to be responsible if I sleep with someone. Although I know that the world outside is more exciting, I just can't break free from this curse.

The concepts instilled in me since childhood are like a high wall that tightly encircles me. Later, I chose my ex-wife within these high walls, endured ten years of pain within these high walls, and then divorced, and only then did I walk out of these walls.

Many years later, whenever I think of the outdated ideas my mother instilled in me and that decisive conversation she had, I feel a little bit of hatred. So much so that when I was looking for a new start after my divorce, she gave me a shot of warning and repeated the old tune of "you have to be responsible if you date someone", I immediately talked back to her in an emotional state and told her with gritted teeth not to ever mention the word "responsible" in front of me again. I would never be bound by this stupid and outdated dogma again.

That was the first time in my life that I contradicted my mother so fiercely, and she was sad for a long time. But I don’t want to explain to her why I suddenly lost control of my emotions, nor do I want to apologize to her. This is an eternal pain in my heart, so painful that I don’t even want to look at it or think about it.

However, having said that, in reality I still cannot be so open with some people. I can only follow the principle of "no initiative, no refusal, no responsibility": I will not take the initiative to go to bed with you, and I will not refuse you if you want to go to bed with me, but if you expect to get me to submit by taking you to bed, then there is no fucking way.

A girl I dated before once asked me to give her my credit card on the grounds that she had slept with me, which directly led to me kicking her out. She touched upon two of my sore spots: one was that she wanted to touch my daughter's cheese, and the other was that she threatened me with having sex with her.

After this incident, I decided to get rid of girls through hints. So, my girlfriend would come to my workplace to see me frequently, whether she had something to do or not, and do it during the time when everyone was gathering after get off work.

Finally, I ran into her one day after get off work. At that time, the girl was still waiting for the shuttle bus at the door of the building, and I put my arm around my girlfriend's waist, who had a happy look on her face, and walked past her. I didn't dare to look into her eyes. I knew I had hurt her, but I couldn't help it. It was because we met too late...

The next day at lunch, I was afraid of meeting the girl, so I stayed up very late on purpose and went downstairs almost after lunch time. But when I entered the cafeteria, I found her still sitting at a table in a daze after her meal.

I complained bitterly, but she had already seen me, so I had no choice but to take my plate and sit next to her.

The two were silent for a while, and then she spoke first, her voice was very soft and trembling: "Is that girl yesterday afternoon your girlfriend?"

I lowered my head and bit my bun slowly. I knew she was looking at me, but I didn't dare to look up and meet her eyes. I just stared at the plate and answered softly, "Yes, we've been dating for several years. We started dating at school."

"Oh, she is very beautiful..." I suddenly felt the girl's voice choked.

I was afraid that she would cry out in public, so I couldn't help but look up at her nervously. Tears were flashing in her eyes, just like a breeze rippling a pool of spring water.

"Then I'll go first. This is the yogurt I left for you. Don't forget to drink it." The girl stopped crying, then gently stood up and left me.

After that, the girl still saw me often, but she no longer ate with me; when she met me, she would still stare at me, but her eyes were full of resentment. I pretended not to know, but in fact I had hesitated in my heart: If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I would definitely choose her, but unfortunately…

More than a year later, Boss Zhu came to power and carried out major institutional reforms, which caused a lot of controversy. I thought to myself that as a young man with no foundation, the possibility of being "downsized" was relatively high. Instead of waiting tremblingly to be fired by Boss Zhu, it would be better to fire Boss Zhu first and leave in a cool manner. Coincidentally, I also wanted to study again to recharge myself, so I signed up for graduate studies according to the diversion policy at the time, and thus escaped from the girl's sad sight.

The girl got married in 2000. Her husband was a nice man and she was a good wife and mother, and they lived a happy life.

Thinking back on it, I realized that my choice was really wrong. This wrong choice ruined my first half of life. This is what I really regret.

Unfortunately, there is no medicine for regret in the world. Even if I regret it to my heart's content, I have missed everything.