"Making Love" (full length) (experience story adult novel)

Author:mtxy

Chapter 1 The girl who came to Nanchang to sleep with me

Text/ Qin Huo

introduction

My left hand is desire, my right hand is love.

My left hand is fantasy, my right hand is reality.

From that day on, I fell in love with my left hand; from that day on, I hated my right hand.

I stayed alone in the KTV box, turned up the volume to the maximum, knelt on the cold floor tiles, stared blankly at the TV screen, and listened to Leslie Cheung's "Left and Right Hands".

It's deafening and thought-provoking.

I started singing, singing at the top of my lungs; I started dancing, exhausted; I started crying, but had no tears; I started laughing, tears streaming down my cheeks like a fountain.

I felt dizzy, sweaty, and couldn't stop.

It was dark, I walked out of the box and stood alone on Beijing East Road. The cold wind blows and I don’t know where to go. I saw a piece of chicken feather flying away, its name was Chen Cang.

one

There is a cement road coming out of the side door of the school. There are very few cars and even fewer people than cars, and the road seems to extend only for me. There are shady green trees on both sides of the road, both famous and unknown, growing there without purpose. Next to it were two dead railroad tracks, covered in rust. Occasionally, a few playful birds would fly around, fluttering their wings and stopping, but there would no longer be the roar of a train passing by.

Walking along the quiet road, you will come across a fire hydrant numbered 007, squatting in the grass by the roadside, just getting by. If you walk a little further down, you will see an oil refinery standing in the sunset, looking listless.

Liu Xiaoluan and I have also walked this road before, and it seems we were holding hands. When we saw 007, we all laughed at the same time. In the eyes of many people, a hero or idol may just be a fire hydrant. I said, the refinery is afraid of fire, even though it is very old. People like me who are full of blood and youthful vigor, haha, always work hard to make myself live a more exciting life, but the result is always embarrassing.

You are talking about your book. Liu Xiaoluan asked with a wry smile.

No, I'm not in the mood to care about it anymore. I pretended not to care.

two

I was definitely thinking about my asshole book, which I sent to a publisher. He promised me that I would sign the contract in mid-May, but by May 32nd, there was still no news. Later I called him to ask, and he choked off his voice twice before he opened his mouth to talk to me. Ogura, um, I was going to send you the contract. I showed it to my boss the day before yesterday, and he felt that the first print run of 20,000 copies was not safe, so he put a hold on it. I was stunned at that time, but there was nothing I could do. I covered the microphone and cursed, "Damn it, you're fooling me." Instead, he said in a low and polite voice, "Well, it's okay. Then when will it be postponed?"

He was a little impatient, but he tried his best to hide it, or rather, he tried his best to maintain the image of himself as a cultured person. Xiaocang, don't be anxious. I have no idea at the moment. My boss has embarrassed me and there is nothing I can do.

I get it, I understand, it's okay. As for publishing companies, their efficiency is at least a little faster than that of publishing houses. I smiled bitterly. It seemed like I had given him the manuscript two months ago.

Well, then, how about, let’s leave it like this for now. He smiled, a forced smile.

Okay, then, bye... Wait, I just want to sign the contract quickly, I don’t want to care about anything else. I still showed my cards. I don't want to say too many powerless lines, such as the title of the book, the cover, and the royalties. The day I submitted the manuscript, I began to endure this endless rape. They insisted on giving an autobiographical novel with a strong prose flavor a rubbish and completely sexually suggestive title, saying that it would help sell better that way.

Ogura, don't be anxious, wait patiently for the roses to come. Hang up.

three

My name is Chen Cang, the Chen Cang who “openly repaired the plank road and secretly crossed Chen Cang”.

Born in a village in the south, living without ideals or goals. Occasionally I write a few words and occasionally find a girl to treat my stubborn problem of not being able to take care of myself in my sexual life, but it has not been cured so far.

I have a relatively stable girlfriend, her name is Li Jia, and she lives in Fuzhou, not far away. I think she loves me more, which can be seen from her enthusiastic support for China's telecommunications industry. I think I care about her too, as you can see from the fact that I haven't had sex with her yet. She was working hard for the college entrance exam, and I was working hard to drop out of school. Occasionally, I would ask myself how I, a realistic person in my bones, could tolerate her innate sense of superiority.

There is no answer, I just know clearly that she loves me, that's all. Her love is a burden to me, and I feel guilty about it, just like I do about my father. I know that if I drop out of school, I will lose a lot of things, including family and friendship, not to mention love.

Husband, will we be together forever? Li Jia often asks this question on the phone. The more she asked, the more I felt that she was as uncertain about our future as I was.

Yeah, I will. Honey, I'm going to bed. I feel a moment of discomfort when I hear her call me "husband", even though we have known each other for more than a year and she has called me that countless times. It is generally recognized that I have a nice voice, and every girl who has called me thinks so. So she responded with an unsatisfied look: Oh, father-in-law, then you should have a good rest.

Yes, mother-in-law, you should go and have a rest too. I hung up. I didn’t want to sleep. Ping’er’s avatar was flashing in my QQ, and Weiwei also left me a message. Leslie Cheung's "Left and Right Hands" played over and over again, and it was another sleepless night.

Supplementary information: I am currently studying at a crappy university in Nanchang, I am a junior and about to drop out. I have two sworn brothers and friends, Lao Wei and Wangwang, but that’s a story for later. There are also two friends who I have been dating for six years and are part-time high school classmates, Xiao Xiaoming and Xie Liubin.

Four

Liu Xiaoluan is my online friend and the girl who came from a university in Zhengzhou and slept with me. It’s neither Ping’er nor Weiwei, Liu Xiaoluan is just Liu Xiaoluan. If I have to add something to her credit, it would be this: She is the person I know who has finished reading my damn novel, staying up for two consecutive nights.

May 27, 2004, three o'clock in the morning. Our QQ is all online, but I am habitually too lazy to talk to people, and chatting is not my habit. She spoke, I want to go see you.

don't want. I used my right index finger to point out two words, added a period, and sent it to her.

I pay for it myself. She spoke bluntly and to the point.

It's not about money. I smiled and realized that it was really not about money. Although I don't have money, I'm used to doing things to pretend to be rich, so it doesn't matter anymore. Lao Wei said that face is very valuable. Even if you don't have rice, you have to fight three times. How can a man say that he has no money in front of a woman? It would be so embarrassing. Of course, I am not doing this for the sake of face in front of Liu Xiaoluan, but I am not extremely poor at the moment, financially.

That's what the problem is.

If we meet, I will think about having sex with you.

Then do it.

The next day, Liu Xiaoluan climbed onto Train No. 1539, after about 13 hours. The train was delayed for half an hour. At around 11 o'clock in the evening, I saw this girl who liked to wear black T-shirts with my own eyes at the exit of Nanchang Railway Station. You must be hungry. I smiled slightly, and this was my opening remark.

Um. She nodded and smiled.

Chapter 2

Wandering around to buy birth control pills

Before Wu Liu Xiao Luan appeared at the exit, I never thought that she was really coming to Nanchang and to find me. But I still went to pick her up and took care of everything that needed to be done. I had some money of my own, and I borrowed another two hundred from a classmate as working capital. I asked my sworn brother, Lao Wei, for help and found a house on Tianyou Road next to the train station. Staying in a hotel is very expensive and it is not worth it.

The house belonged to Lao Wei's friend Lao Liu. Lao Liu and I had some contact, but not very deep. Lao Wei said that a classmate of mine came to see me from Zhengzhou and wanted to stay for a few days, and Lao Liu immediately made it convenient for him. The moment I got the key, I suddenly felt that Lao Wei’s friends were all people worth associating with. That's how Lao Liu and I started to get to know each other. He and Wangwang were fellow villagers and friends. They jointly opened a bookstore in the school and named it "All the Way with You Bookstore".

It seems I should explain something more important in advance. Lao Wei, Wangwang and I have not yet become sworn brothers. The relationship between Wangwang and I is similar to that between Lao Liu. I've been in this shitty university for three years, and the only person I can truly call my friend is Lao Wei. I mean before Liu Xiaoluan appeared, and things have changed more or less since then. At least I think Wangwang is someone who can be a friend, and Lao Liu is not a bad person. By the way, there was a girl named Xiaohe between the three of them. I also know Xiao He. According to Lao Wei, she used to be my admirer. Before she met me, she always looked up to me in her heart. Later, when she saw me in the book bar, she looked at me with disdain.

I was wearing slippers, my hair was messy, none of my clothes were brand names, and my pants were a little dirty. Lao Wei thought he had done a great thing and introduced happily: This Chen Cang, pen name Qin Huo, is the best writer in our school. Well, that, Xiao He, not Xiao He, haha, just a freshman, but he can write quite well. I nodded, smiled slightly, and said nothing. I am used to keeping my head down, whether I am talking or walking.

Qinhuo? I've heard a lot about you. She said six words, first with some uncertainty, then with disdain after disappointment. I can understand her psychology very well. It's not that I have any prejudice against her. I read the answer from her unintentional look. Therefore, there will always be a sense of distance between Xiaohe and me, no matter how familiar we are. Two strangers in the world are likely to be just like us, which means they are destined to never become friends. I seldom spoke when she was present, though I did not talk much even when she was not.

Liu Lao and Wei Lao first took me to familiarize myself with the environment of Tianyou Road, and mainly told me how to bring the girl from the train station to the bed so as not to get lost. Lao Liu was so enthusiastic that he almost helped me draw a three-dimensional military analysis diagram. I said my feet were idiots, but my mouth and brain were smart enough.

Okay, okay, okay. Well, by the way, we can’t let the girl win the bid. I suddenly felt that Lao Liu was an old hand in that area and knew everything. Old Wei stood aside, shaking his head from time to time. He can understand why I'm such an asshole, but he will never be an asshole like me, which is probably why we can be friends. People who can become friends in the world are generally like that. It is not good for them to be too similar to each other. It is just right if they are similar enough to understand each other.

Have you bought all those things? Old Liu continued to ask.

without. I lowered my head and smiled.

Then buy it.

Excuse me.

Never bought it before? Go, what's that.

Or, can you buy it for me?

You kid. Old Liu shook his head and smiled faintly. So what did you use before?

before? By luck.

Asshole, I already have a son who died. When Lao Liu said that, his expression looked a little strange, but it wasn't that strange after all. Old Wei smiled bitterly and said nothing, and I also suddenly fell silent for a while. Then the three of us said in unison: What a fucking bastard.

The night is getting darker and the street lights are dim. Old Liu walked into the drugstore under the cover of night. He originally wanted to buy birth control pills for me. He said that it was uncomfortable to be wrapped in that "balloon", but in the end he still bought a dozen "balloons".

Chapter 3 I had sex with a 35-year-old woman

7. My first impression of Liu Xiaoluan when I saw her was nothing special, except that I thought she was pretty. The moment our eyes met, I still thought of Li Jia, and I felt that what I did was a bit excessive. Although I had betrayed her like this more than once, and before that, I had done it with other girls. I don’t remember most of them, except Sister Lan. The special thing about Sister Lan is that she is the oldest woman I have ever had sex with. She is 12 years older than me. Currently living in Shenzhen, working as an accountant and married.

I met Sister Lan in a virtual community, and she was also related to that bastard novel. She said that my writing was hypocritical, at least the protagonist slept with many girls just to satisfy his sexual needs, but I insisted on making up some sentimental excuses. I think what Sister Lan said makes sense, but it is not the truth after all. I like the perspective that is different from the average person's opinion. So, Sister Lan will appear in my QQ, and I won’t just ignore her and flirt with her.

We talked, a lot. Later she gave me her cell phone number and called me occasionally, and I called her too. I like to call her at nightfall, when she is basically shopping. She started acting coquettishly as soon as she answered my call. I don't know how it feels for a woman who is nearly 35 to act coquettishly in front of a college boy who is just over 20 years old. But I like that feeling. I feel like a man and there is a sense of victory and pleasure after conquering someone. This sense of pleasure made our relationship more and more ambiguous, to the point where we watched porn together through Tencent video player, and teased each other on QQ and phone.

Sister Lan is a woman with rich sexual experience. Every time after chatting with her, I feel like trying it. Sister Lan also said that she missed me, missed my youthful impulse and unrestrained passion. These have become our reasons for walking from the virtual network to the real bedside. No matter what we do, we need reasons, even if the reasons are ridiculous. The day we found enough reasons, we lay naked on a soft Simmons bed. The curtains are light green, the lights are pink, and the sheets are pure white.

8 I raised my head slightly and looked out the window. The sun was setting in the west, leaving only the tall buildings in the twilight mist. Sister Lan turned around and pulled the curtains. She was much more domineering than I thought. You can't keep looking out the window. Besides, there's nothing to see in Shenzhen. I found it funny when she said that. After all, it was too inconsistent with her age. It should be something a little girl who is just beginning to fall in love would say. But she didn't say it awkwardly.

Then of course we made love. Sister Lan’s buttocks are much sexier than in the photo, and her skin is also quite delicate. If I put my hand on it and close my eyes, it is impossible for someone with a rich imagination like me not to feel it. The breasts are not as good as I expected, and the color of the nipples makes me feel a little depressed. I like the color that is white and tender with a hint of pink. A woman like Sister Lan is unlikely to have that. But I still put them in my mouth one by one. Sister Lan asked me to bite them gently, and I couldn't help but laughed. Why are you laughing? Don’t laugh. Sister Lan really needs you. Sister Lan must have been aroused by me, but my untimely smile obviously made her a little embarrassed.

That went on, and I didn't mean to. I suppressed that laugh.

I entered Sister Lan's body easily. Chen, Chen, come in. Sister Lan spoke in such a provocative manner as she did on the phone, that I couldn't resist the temptation. At that time, I couldn't tell whether I liked Sister Lan's body or her extremely provocative voice. I occasionally turned my head to look at the warm light, not understanding why I couldn't ejaculate.

During that day, I seemed to have not ejaculated at all, and I only rested reluctantly when my waist was exhausted. Sister Lan was somewhat disappointed, I don’t know if she was disappointed in me or in herself. But she was still happy, I could tell from the way she was twisting her lower body desperately. The next day I flew back to Nanchang. It was my first time on a plane. Sister Lan bought me a plane ticket. She said she hoped I could look at the white clouds outside the window on the plane, which would make her happier.

I sat by the window, flipping through Alai's "Dust Settles". The feeling of Sister Lan's fingers still lingered between her legs, and that part seemed to still be able to feel the warmth of her lips. Then I thought of Li Jia. It seemed to have become a habit, a strange habit.

Sister Jiulan hasn't contacted me for a long time. First, she lost her cell phone, and then her unit had to start clearing accounts. In short, Sister Lan disappeared like smoke for a long time. During this time, I met Ping'er and Weiwei, and later I met Liu Xiaoluan. I have never met Ping'er and Weiwei, but I know that they have read my bastard novel and liked it very much.

There were several nights when I thought about Sister Lan and started masturbating. Later I discovered that Sister Lan was indeed the kind of woman that people would remember for a lifetime. What surprised me most was that the first thing that came into my sight was her breasts, which were no longer attractive. The two purple-black nipples that made me feel depressed were like two rusty nuts, screwed on awkwardly. Next came the buttocks which really caught my imagination. I swallowed, got up, turned on the computer, and Ping'er's profile picture was in color as I had hoped.

Ping'er is Sister Lan's most direct substitute and is older than me. Lives in Beijing, works as an advertising planner, and is unmarried. But in fact, I don’t think I like Sister Lan. After all the right and wrongs and non-non-yes and yess after my first love, I feel that love is a luxury and a burden. The situation between Li Jia and I was purely due to my guilty conscience. I was afraid of that feeling of guilt. Maybe that's why, no matter how I'm doing, I will always tell my father, Dad, I'm fine, you have to take care of yourself, and don't worry too much about money, I will find a way. I didn't know what I could do, so I worked hard writing articles for magazines. When I get paid for my writing, I always feel like I’m just engaging in prostitution in a different form, that’s all.

I want to make myself happy, even if it's just physical happiness, but I'm not happy. Ping'er looked at me through the video and didn't speak for a long time. I was also silent. I looked indifferently at the photo she had just sent me. I liked her eyes, which concealed a perfect melancholy. But I told her that I liked her breasts, but unfortunately they were covered by her clothes. She smiled first, and it seemed like a bitter smile, and then she said, Xiaocang, you make me feel sad, do you know that? I laughed too, but it seemed to be a bitter smile. Sister, what does heartache feel like?

Chapter 4 Give Me a Pair of Breasts

One night, Ping'er was not online because she went to Tianjin for business. Weiwei appeared that night. Like me, she was wandering around Nanchang, a city that was neither prosperous nor wanted to be prosperous. She was a freshman in college and her life was extremely boring and empty.

The first thing she said to me was, I heard you are very naughty?

It's not that I'm lustful, it's just that if you were alone with me, it would be hard for you not to be seduced by me. This seemed to be my answer. I never thought that we would actually have sex or even meet one day. You should know that when two people in the same city meet and something happens that they both want to happen, it may cause trouble in the future. These are all unimportant. I just want to say that Weiwei also walked into my wandering life.

I haven't seen any pictures of her, nor have I met her in person. And she seemed to have never seen me, except in words and imagination. That seems fair, and it seems beautiful and tempting. But the truly beautiful and attractive one is the woman named Liu Xiaoluan. You have to believe that the women who appear in my wandering life are all extraordinary, but there are not many who are truly outstanding and can make you miss them as much as I do. My first love was a man, but all I got in return was long-lasting pain, loneliness, and that bastard novel.

Don’t mention the past anymore. No matter how absurd and messy life is, keep going. No matter when or where, as long as you find yourself still struggling to stand up, everything is going on.

During the period from when Lao Liu and Lao Wei left to when I met Liu Xiaoluan, I was in the Xintianyou Internet cafe next to the Nanchang Railway Station. Facing the broken monitor with extremely strong radiation, moving the extremely malfunctioning mouse, wearing headphones that only worked on one side, and listening to Leslie Cheung's "Left and Right Hands", I felt at a loss. I haven't read that bastard novel in a long time. After I finished writing it, I revised it twice, but the bookseller didn't want the revised draft.

I played two games of upgrading the tractor in the Lianzhong world. Thanks to my amazing intelligence and luck, I was extremely awesome. But when the second game was almost over, a few unfamiliar Chinese pinyins suddenly appeared on the monitor. Based on my poor computer knowledge, I concluded that the computer had crashed. After restarting, I opened QQ and chatted with Ping'er for a while. She said that the incident in Tianjin was a mess and her mood was a mess, and now she really wanted to talk to me. I observed a 30-second silence and didn't tell her that I was going to meet Liu Xiaoluan. Then I thought about it, and it seemed that I had never mentioned a person like Liu Xiaoluan to her, just like Li Jia.

I didn't say anything, just listened to the song repeatedly, occasionally looking around blindly. Ping'er has become my online lover. That late night, when she was unbuttoning her buttons one by one in front of the video, I suddenly found her so cute, so cute that I felt she was just a little girl. She said, Xiaocang, I let you see it all, I let you see it all. Her voice was trembling a little, as if this was her first time, she was so crazy and took off all her clothes in front of the video. Before, I had asked her to do that, but the timing was not right. She said she was afraid her mother and the nanny were not asleep.

Ping'er's breasts are much more exquisite than I imagined, but they are not the color I like. I loved her long white legs and the feel of her with them spread out, masturbating in front of me. Ogura, my sister can’t stand it anymore. While Ping'er was moaning and at a loss, I stayed in front of the screen, watching indifferently, as calm as the fool in "Dust Settles".

When I masturbated that night, the only person I thought of was Ping'er, including the sad and lonely look in her eyes when she reached orgasm. I let it all out, exhausted, but my eyes couldn't hold back the tears.

The night sky was a little blurry, the people around were becoming fewer and fewer, and a cold feeling was floating above the square. I raised my head slightly and looked at the train timetable above the exit. Train 1539 would be delayed until 11 o'clock. Then I walked up the concrete steps to the square, looked around, and felt at a loss. I was thinking, if Liu Xiaoluan didn’t show up, then I would go back to Xintianyou Internet Cafe, at least Ping'er would still be waiting for me. After daybreak, I went back and asked Lao Wei out for a drink, telling him that women can't be trusted and he should never miss the chance to have sex with them.

Lao Wei must be repeating his usual expression. He understands my nonsense, but will never regard them as the truth, nor will he put them into actual action. So he is my friend, a real friend, so we are always happy drinking together.

He would tell me about his girlfriend, who, like me, lived in happiness but never felt anything. Most people in the world who can become friends seem to have the same experience. But Lao Wei is not like me. He knows that he doesn’t love her, but he will not do anything to let her down. He is great and stupid. Lao Wei said basically the same lines as me, "She was so good to me, and I couldn't bear it and felt guilty about letting us be together."

At 11:07 pm, Liu Xiaoluan appeared at the exit carrying a black backpack, wearing a black T-shirt and brown jeans. I seemed to tell her on the phone that she hoped she could wear a skirt so that it would be more convenient for us to have sex. She agreed, but changed her mind at the last minute. She said it was best to wear a skirt with sandals in early summer, but it was inconvenient to wear sandals when catching a train. Then we said the lines mentioned above, and then I took her for a walk along Bayi Avenue and unexpectedly found Tianyou Road. We didn't seem to talk much along the way, we are not talkative people. I lowered my head and walked carefully, occasionally turning my head to look at the sign above.

I am looking for two words: Kingdee. Once you find them, you've found the way into the community. Things that are waiting for others to find are very easy to find, and "Kingdee" is no exception. After finding it, I pointed to the alley and said, go in from here, turn a corner, and when you see the words "Call 110", you will arrive. Liu Xiaoluan smiled but said nothing. Her smile was very charming, even seductive, which was something I didn't notice at the exit.

We went to the nearby night market to have some midnight snack first, as we didn’t have dinner. After eating, I went back to look for the golden butterfly. There were almost no people in the alley, and it was so quiet that I could hear the sound of the night wind blowing. I suddenly stopped and said, wouldn't it be ridiculous to run so far from Zhengzhou to Nanchang just to have sex with me? Liu Xiaoluan was still smiling and silent. She did smile very charmingly, with a curved mouth and white teeth like pearls. If you think it's ridiculous, why did you agree to let me come? She spoke in a low voice.

I never turn down a girl who asks me for sex. I smiled, and it seemed like a bitter smile.

Chapter 5: Men and Women in the Bathroom

What is the concept of the thirteenth and seventeenth floors? It is the floor suspended between the eighth and sixth floors. There is no elevator, and there is occasionally a voice-controlled light that requires stomping your feet hard. I walked in front as if nothing had happened. I had been living on the fifth floor for more than three years and had become accustomed to climbing stairs. Liu Xiaoluan followed behind with some difficulty, but she herself did not seem to realize the difficulty.

It’s hot. Nanchang has suddenly become hot these two days. I laughed.

It’s OK, a little warmer than Zhengzhou. She laughed too.

Why don't you take a break first. I stood at the window and looked outside. I had already reached the fourth floor.

No need, go up first. She unconsciously reached out and pushed me, and I just held her hand like this. I looked at her and saw that she didn't seem to be refusing, so I felt relieved. I can't really explain what it felt like holding her hand, but it was definitely different.

Climbing up to the seventh floor, the sultry weather made us sweat all over.

I took out my key and opened the door carefully. She stood behind me waiting. I pushed the door open and let her go in first. She smiled slightly and walked in, but I stood outside the door in a daze.

Come in. She smiled and looked at me carefully. At that moment, I had a strange feeling, the feeling of being home. But I brushed it off immediately, knowing what I was doing. This is an age without home and love. Any feeling is an illusion, any hope is a luxury, and any persistence is a betrayal. I bit my teeth lightly and walked in with my head down, like a shy child meeting a stranger.

14. In a place like Nanchang, I can see very far even if I stand on the fifth floor, let alone the seventh floor.

Our bed was against the window, so let's just call it our bed. In fact, it is neither mine, nor hers, and certainly not ours. If you sit on the bed, you can see very far out the window, so far that the night lights are blurry and you have no direction.

Liu Xiaoluan sat on the edge of the bed, her left hand hanging naturally on her knee, and her right hand rubbing a tissue to carefully wipe the sweat from her forehead. I didn't expect Nanchang to be so hot. You said last time that it was quite cool, haha. She said with a faint smile, revealing two rows of snow-white teeth. I glanced at her, then looked out the window without saying anything. The weather in Nanchang is just like that. I’ve lived here for three years and still can’t be sure about it, just like love.

I forgot how we started having sex, I mean, I forgot what excuse I used to take off her clothes. I remember we seemed to be taking a shower together in that cramped bathroom, and at first she was reluctant because she thought it was awkward. I smiled bitterly and said, if that was called embarrassment, then real embarrassment would definitely be more frightening.

The shower head seemed to be broken, there was never enough water, and it seemed to take ages to get the clothes wet, and time was no longer time. I took off my clothes slowly and she did the same, but in the end she couldn't let go and only had her bra and panties on. I smiled bitterly. Is this how you take a shower?

Please help me take it off. Liu Xiaoluan closed her eyes slightly and spoke in a low voice.

I?

Um.

I lowered my head and looked at her carefully.

I suddenly felt that many things are so absurd, but they do exist in reality. I exhaled slightly. I didn't want her to see my eyes, so I tried my best to avoid her possible gaze. I was afraid that at some moment she would suddenly open her eyes, and then I would burst into tears.

Those were not what I needed, nor were they what I asked her to bring me from Zhengzhou. I need happiness, complete happiness. I don’t know what I will be like tomorrow, or even a second from now. The only thing I know is now, right now, and I just need to be happy. Don't give me room and time to think, don't try to save or destroy me, I just hope you will just ignore me. That's good, I am who I am now and I like the way I am.

There is no appearance compared to yesterday, or the appearance that appeared a second ago.

15 I kissed her gently.

She felt my kiss, her lips were sensitive and plump.

We didn't seem to close the bathroom door. There was no one else in the room, so closing the door would have been unnecessary. A rare night breeze blew in, bringing a bit of coolness. I don't seem to be clumsy at all anymore, that age is over. It was the first time I unhooked a girl’s bra. It took me quite a while and my face turned red from the ordeal. I have forgotten when it was, just like I forgot the moonlight that night. All I know is that certain feelings about that woman have been lingering in my bones for many years and cannot be shaken off.

I easily unhooked her bra and hung it aside. Looking down, I saw a pair of breasts that often appeared in my dreams. The color of the nipples was what I expected, white and tender with a hint of pink, and just the right amount of plumpness. I could already feel her slightly rapid breathing, as if she could feel my shaking heart.

I placed my hands on it and rubbed it carefully. Liu trembled at first, followed by more rapid breathing. The night wind was getting colder, but the blood in my bones was surging with heat.

Do you like it? I stuck out my tongue and touched Liu's shoulder, which was filled with the salty, sweaty scent of a woman.

Um. She panted.

Are you scared?

Well, no.

continue?

Um.

I kept kissing her breasts, with my right hand around her waist and my left hand moving to her private parts. Many shots change rapidly and continuously, making people dizzy. She really couldn't bear it any longer, so she held my thing and rubbed it hard. I like that feeling, I like the feeling of her hands. She is different from Sister Lan or even any other woman. Awkward but not unfamiliar, understood but not proficient.

At the moment when we were both about to enter a hallucination, I turned on the shower head. Although the water was not very large and even a little intermittent, it was enough to keep us awake. We didn't say much, and carefully washed each other's bodies, including the most private parts.

Has it happened before? She held my thing, cleaned it carefully, and asked with her head tilted up.

No. I shook my head.

Do you like it?

Good

Chapter 6 She is not a virgin

16. She is not a virgin.

I believed that she was not a virgin, which was what I expected, at least that was what I expected before I met her. You know, having sex with a virgin is a very troublesome thing, especially thinking about one-night stand. During this period and afterwards, I violated this truth to a greater or lesser extent and made many mistakes knowingly. Then I felt that having sex was an extremely boring thing.

I went to Jinan two years ago and did that with a virgin girl who was a junior in college. After tossing and turning all night, I was exhausted and couldn't feel anything at all. That seemed to be my first time, with a girl I had known for less than two hours, in a hotel deep in the alley. I vaguely remember that the alley seemed immersed in the haze of the night rain, including the illuminated sign of the small hotel. None of us dared to turn on the lights, perhaps because we didn't want to see each other being so frank. As a human being, you always need some cover-up.

The night and the sound of rain conceal our eyes and hearing. My thing just wouldn't get erected, and later I read in some books that it was environmental impotence, or a conditioned reflex. I ejaculated within 30 seconds after entering, and that place felt extremely painful. Then I saw a lot of blood flowing out of her, and I felt terrified, like a criminal. After I came back, I was worried for a long time. He was suffering from impotence and premature ejaculation at such a young age. There was really no hope for him. I was eighteen years old that year and a freshman in college. It was not until later, after more than two years of wandering around in confusion in life, that I finally realized that I didn't have to worry about those things at all.

Liu Xiaoluan and I sat side by side on the edge of the bed. I narrated the story indifferently and she listened carefully. At that time, she was wearing a soft gray floral pajamas and no underwear. Anything in the past that has left a mark in your memory will be a kind of hurt. She whispered.

There is no mark at all, let alone any harm. For me, it's just a way to show off and prove that I have played with many girls or women. I gritted my teeth and smiled bitterly.

Even if it is proven, what can it prove? She also smiled, a bitter smile.

It doesn't mean anything. All I wanted was for the number of women who slept with me to be a monotonically increasing function, with the greater the slope the better. Time is the horizontal axis and space is the vertical axis. When I really lost interest in women, I went looking for men. To be honest, I think homosexuality is much more realistic than heterosexuality. I lit a cigarette. I like cigarettes, but smoking is not my habit.

She said nothing, but just sighed slightly.

You see, Lao Wei is so nice to me and never interferes in my life. It would be great if I had a lover like this. Those are things that women cannot do and only exist between men. But I am not at that level yet and cannot accept homosexuality. What's more, Lao Wei doesn't even know how to play with women, so he would be even more scared if he were to do something as extreme as homosexuality. I took a deep puff and blew out a smoke ring. I turned and looked at her quietly. She lowered her head and looked very quiet, which made me feel nothing.

I went to Fuzhou last year, on Guping Road, I think it was a small overpass, and I saw several contact numbers of "Gay Homes" on the side of the steps. I was very curious at the time, but then I felt it was boring. I thought it was no different from masturbation. The cigarette became shorter and shorter, with a long piece of ash left untouched, like a love affair that had no future. I lowered my head and said nothing more.

It is a disease and also a taboo. Just one night stand, no word. But I actually said so much, which was something I never expected. Time is like smoke, becoming shorter and shorter, and being flicked away by my slender and white fingers. There is no woman who doesn't like my fingers, I mean that I have met. The most beautiful part of my body is my fingers, especially the middle and ring fingers of my left hand. This is what Sister Lan said, she likes me to put those two fingers into her body more than a penis.

But I prefer the little finger, the little finger of my right hand.

17. My right little finger is numb.

When I was seven years old, I got into a fight with a neighbor kid. He pressed my right hand to the ground, then picked up a white stone and smashed it hard, twisting and deforming my little finger. From then on, no matter what season it was, it was always ice cold and there was no sign of growth.

That's my secret. I held on to this secret like an illusion until I met Liu Xiaoluan.

Among everything around me, or in other words, everything I encounter in my life, my right little finger is the only thing that remains unchanged. So, I think it is extremely important.

18. I had sex with Liu Xiaoluan.

Come to think of it, I haven't done this with many women, but I have always longed for it. Li Jia and I have done this too. Every time when we were both thinking about something deeper, I seemed to be unusually rational.

Stop abruptly. It was like watching a movie, and when the plot reached its climax, there was a sudden power outage. Li Jia was somewhat disappointed, and so was I. I sat at my desk, biting my lip and looking out the window. There is a yard downstairs where a few old ladies are chatting. Going out further is an alley under a big tree. The word “tree” is in traditional Chinese.

Li Jia wrote an article about this alley.

I like the quiet and indifferent narrative style, which is something she didn't have before.

When I entered Willow, it was as easy and comfortable as I had imagined. I asked Liu if she liked that feeling, the feeling of being invaded a little bit.

She had nothing to say.

She murmured occasionally, and I thought she was happy, at least her body was happy.

How old were you when you first started? I asked while exercising.

She raised her eyelids, looked at me, and licked her lips with her tongue. It was a satisfying action, at least that's how I thought of it. She still didn't speak.

You make me happy, and that is something no one else can replace. I let out a breath and continued.

Lie on me, hold me, don't move. Liu finally spoke, in a very low voice.

I put her legs down and then carefully lay on top of her, with that thing still inside, and I didn't move. I hugged her shoulders tightly and we kissed. For the first time, I felt the fragrance of her lips. She closed her eyes slightly and twisted her lower body carefully, and I just kissed her. Time seemed to have stopped, and I was hiding behind the illusion and spying on the reality.

She started to want me.

I wanted it so madly, and for the first time I felt what excitement was.

Unprecedented.

After it was over, we didn't say much. She asked me to hold her, so I held her and slept quietly until dawn. After waking up, we continued. From 10:30 a.m. to 1:20 p.m., with occasional short breaks followed by longer sessions.

Near suicide. I laughed.

You understand, but why bother? Liu also smiled, a bitter smile.

I don’t want to say more, because that would make me think and make me unhappy. I don't want that, I don't want that, any moment of thinking about it will tear my heart apart. That feeling is more terrible than depravity and indulgence.

We continued to have sex, or maybe just me continued to have sex.

Making love is exhausting joy.

I love the dizzy feeling after ejaculation, the feeling of being extremely close to death.

Chapter 7: Eliminated Condoms

19. Liu Xiaoluan and I disappeared for quite a few days.

During these days, Li Jia called our dormitory countless times, and also called my former classmates, including Lao Wei. Only Lao Wei knows the truth, but he won't tell it. As I told you before, we are friends, understand each other, and know what to say and what not to say.

Li Jia is about to face the college entrance examination, an exam that I value more than she does - I am standing in the perspective of her parents. Her parents all know about what happened between her and me, so I just hope she can do a little better in the college entrance examination. Then I broke up with her, at least it wouldn't make me feel more guilty. The feeling of guilt is much more painful than being stabbed by someone. I already feel guilty enough facing my father.

He hoped that I would finish four years of college safely, get a diploma, and then be submerged in the mediocre society like everyone else. My father thought a lot about me, but all his ideas were blinder and more metaphysical than mine, yet seemed more realistic.

I don't want that.

I want to write and pursue my bullshit ideals.

I don’t want to be drowned, I don’t want to meet myself in a vast sea of ​​people.

I want to change myself, give myself the opportunity to change, and see what I become. I don’t want to live in a program and become a known variable for others. I want to solve the unknown variable by myself.

childish.

Also ridiculous.

When you can't be mature, then please be childish.

When you can't help but be funny, then be funny.

At least you won't feel embarrassed.

I am neither childish nor mature; I am neither ridiculous nor unridiculous. I'm somewhere in between, and when you add this thing called guilt into the mix, I become the most embarrassing person. I was desperate to drop out of school, but I also deeply realized what a blow it would be to my father, and perhaps not just to my father. I dropped out of school. Many things that I shouldn't have lost may be lost, and many things that I could have gained may not be gained.

As people grow up, they become afraid of losing. I also began to realize that there are many people who are more important than myself. It is said that this kind of awareness is called the bondage of concern.

No one understood these heart-wrenching feelings except Lao Wei, including Liu Xiaoluan in front of him.

20. I didn’t tell Liu Xiaoluan about those feelings because I was afraid she would laugh at me. Li Jia once laughed at me, maybe unintentionally, but this unintentional behavior increased my disgust for her.

If you love someone, never laugh at him, even if he doesn't love you at all.

21 During the time when Liu Xiaoluan and I disappeared, we were basically having sex.

I don’t eat breakfast in the morning. I go to a small restaurant on Tianyou Road to eat something around two o’clock in the afternoon. She likes to eat noodles and has inherited the local tradition. She doesn't eat pork, inheriting the tradition of her people. I eat everything, so I inherit nothing.

We wore a condom once when we had sex. In other words, there were 12 condoms in the box that Lao Liu bought, and one of them was extremely honored to participate in our war. I threw the remaining 11 into the freezer for someone who is good at discovering new things. But having sex with a condom is really boring. It’s not just me who thinks it’s boring, Liu also thinks so. We all found it boring and reached a consensus that condoms became an extremely unwelcome third party.

The third party is inherently tragic and cannot escape its fate.

I like to ejaculate my semen on her thighs, then grit my teeth and give her an ugly smile. She always avoided my smile intentionally or unintentionally, and I asked her why several times. She said, your smile is evil, it makes people timid and chilling. I stood there in a daze, speechless.

She is right.

She understood my smile, which was evil yet concealed a pale helplessness.

I carried her to the balcony on the seventh floor. I asked her to hold the railing with both hands and lift her hips, and I entered her body from behind. The sultry wind filled the whole city with desire. I thought someone in the distance must have seen us making love, I thought someone next door must have heard us making love, I thought I was the only one who couldn't feel that I was making love. The whole city of Nanchang was having sex, and I was the only one gasping for breath from exhaustion.

As I said this, Liu Xiaoluan looked at me as if she understood something. I like the way she looks at me. She always thinks I've grown up, but in fact I'm just a little kid. People who pretend to be mature are easily taken advantage of. At some point I would start to feel sorry for her, but it would be more like I was feeling sorry for myself.

Subtle changes in a person begin with certain subtle feelings.

Chapter 8 You are here too

22 Before Liu Xiaoluan came to Nanchang, we had promised each other that we would only have sex but not make love. That is to say, after putting on her clothes, she left and I walked away too. We will face our future lives alone and no longer have anything to do with each other. We just want to be happy and make our bodies happy.

During our first three days of being lost together, we kept a good grasp on each other and rarely asked about each other’s lives. I didn't tell her about Li Jia, and she didn't tell me anything else. Most of our communication is just body language. We studied thoroughly all kinds of postures and methods, everything I could think of and everything I came into contact with. Most of the day is spent in bed, and most of the time in bed is spent having sex.

We are all crazy.

The turning point of the story, which is also the prelude to the tragedy, begins with Rene Liu's "So You Are Here Too". In other words, many of the things that happened next had nothing to do with sex, but I didn’t know what they were related to. I don't think Liu Xiaoluan would know that either.

Take bus No. 2 from the railway station to Qingshan Road intersection. When I took Liu Xiaoluan on the No. 2 bus, I didn't think about getting off at Qingshan Road intersection. I think we should have gotten off at the first few stops. There is a No. 223 bus at Qingshan Road intersection, which goes to my damn school, where you might see Lao Wei and Wangwang, as well as many people who look familiar but are actually strangers. That was a place where Liu shouldn't be, and those were people Liu shouldn't see.

But she went and saw it.

Because of Rene Liu, because of "So You Are Here Too", and because when I heard that song, I held the hand of a girl named Liu Xiaoluan in my palm. My eyes were fixed on the TV screen on the railing, Bus Online, and Rene Liu's persistent and pale voice.

The song was repeated several times, and by the third time, I found myself crying.

First time listening. Liu Xiaoluan asked in a low voice.

Um. I nodded.

Do you like it?

Um.

Me too, but I feel like I've heard it somewhere before.

oh.

Why are you crying? I'm not crying! We got off at the Qingshan Road stop. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, but I couldn't see her expression clearly as tears blocked our eye contact. We hugged each other tightly, and the entire street, countless street lights lit up instantly.

We kissed, kissed madly. The whole city of Nanchang was wet. The early summer rain came so timely. The trees on the street become ambiguous and swaying in the light of the night rain. The rain has been falling, and although it is early summer, it still feels like early spring. Thin and lingering raindrops, cool night breeze, dim and hazy lights. The No. 223 bus was driving slowly, a breeze blew in with drizzle, and we kissed as if no one was around.

I heard that it seemed like love.

Just heard about it.

On the 23rd, I took her to see Lao Wei, and we had your book together. When I held her hand and walked on the campus path dimly lit by night lights, I actually felt a sense of happiness. We rarely talk, but mostly look into each other's eyes. I like the look in her eyes. I think she is the kind of person who understands me more or less, and being with such a person will make me feel more or less happy.

Lao Wei didn't say much, just said ambiguously, Chen, no matter what, you must know what you are doing. I nodded, and then asked myself, do I know what I am doing? I don’t know either. In fact, it doesn’t matter whether you know what you are doing or not. What matters is whether you are happy now. Just be happy, don’t think too much. Thinking too much will lead to unhappiness. I am afraid of being alone, especially standing in front of the mirror. I am afraid of my own eyes.

Wangwang and Xiaohe were also there, playing my favorite Leslie Cheung. We sat facing each other in the only seat reserved for couples in the book bar. There was a warm lamp hanging above us, emitting a dim light, and behind us was a yellowish-brown door curtain, which seemed very ambiguous.

I think this is how I fell in love with the woman in front of me, her name is Liu Xiaoluan. Love is a bit absurd and hasty, and there is not even time to think. My love does not require thinking, just like my life. The result of any thinking can only make me give up and then accept unnecessary pain. Maybe it's not love, but just a great desire for love - almost a luxury.

People who don't believe in love still have a yearning and desire for love in their bones. In other words, those who are truly hurt and disabled by love are often those who do not believe in love. Because I didn't believe it, I followed my feelings, I invested completely, and that's why I ended up in a mess and covered in bruises.

Chapter 9 Solo

The twenty-four stories are only now connected to the beginning.

We didn't go back to live on the seventh floor of a building on Tianyou Road near the train station. I let her live in our dormitory, and when it was time for classes, I took her to class. I hadn't attended a class in over a few months and I was tired of the scripted nonsense. And then there's the fucked-up fact that I can't quite articulate, which is that I just want to drop out of school or get kicked out of school. But I always have to think, and always make myself unhappy. My father lives in my illusion, far away in a small mountain village in Ganzhou. Even if it is far away in the sky, it will appear in front of me accidentally. I mean that feeling of guilt.

My current plan is to live one day at a time. When the red light is raised and my life can no longer bear so much glory, I will disappear from this damn school like smoke. Even if I didn't leave, they would drive me away, and then my father would have nothing to say. But perhaps it is a more heart-wrenching pain that means I will never be as free and easy as I say now, unless I die.

I know I'll never be happy. The price of growing up is that people forget to sing, but I will open my bloodshot eyes, use my hoarse voice, and sing rebellious songs. The ending can only be like this: I sing with all my might, singing alone, until I am hoarse and exhausted. Bright red blood gushed out from the nose, mouth, eyes, and ears. My voice is still ringing, like the wail of a ghost, or the call of death. No one could understand it, but no one was not moved.

I hope you are the one who understands and is moved by me.

I chose to sing, which also meant I chose to bleed from all seven orifices, be covered in bruises, and have no one pay any attention to me.

I'm going to start singing, listen and don't cry.

Twenty-five Liu Xiaoluan and I walked on the road outside the side door of the school, occasionally making fun of the fire hydrant marked 007. There was something different about the sound of our footsteps, I can’t quite put it into words, but I liked that feeling anyway. Keep walking and the cement road will turn into yellow mud road. Although the width has not changed much, the dust can definitely block your view, just like Shuanggang Road two years ago.

Fortunately, there were fewer and fewer cars, the dusk was getting darker and darker, and a setting sun floated in the illusion. We started to talk a little more, and our understanding began to accumulate little by little. She has a younger brother who doesn't study hard and doesn't even know what he can or wants to do. He is immersed in online games and plays them terribly. And a father - nonsense, I can see that some years ago, she was full of the illusion of worship for her father, which can be explained as Oedipus complex.

She told me many interesting stories about her childhood, which was just like mine, happy as an idiot. She said that even after she graduated from elementary school, she still liked to run around shirtless, and her father chased after her, wanting to catch her and make her put on clothes, but she just wouldn't buy it. She ran quickly, with the two braids on the back of her head dancing left and right, like a scarecrow in the spring breeze. She ran along the ancient street towards the outside of the city. Outside the city was a village and an endless cornfield.

She was just like that, she just disappeared while running. When night fell, she pushed open the familiar door and found that her father had grown old, so old that he seemed a little strange to her. Then she seemed to remember that her father had gone out to do some wood business before this, but never again after that. He just stayed at home, as if waiting for something extremely important to happen. Many years passed, and she still didn't know what her father was waiting for, except for her and her brother's return during the holidays. When school was out and they went home, their father basically wouldn't let them go out. I always like to watch them silently, saying nothing and doing nothing.

It has become a habit. The time it takes a person to form a habit is enough to make him grow old.

When Liu Xiaoluan talked about those things, she would inadvertently lift her bangs and purse her lips slightly. I was afraid of her talking about her father, or rather, I was afraid of anyone mentioning their father in front of me, including Lao Wei. Lao Wei said that his father regarded him as the pillar of the family and would often call him to ask him to get an old mobile phone or wait for him to send some money back home. During the Spring Festival last year, he saw his father playing the erhu leisurely in the yard. He no longer had any hope in life except for his dependence on him. At that time, he began to realize that he had matured.

The reason you mature prematurely is often because some people in your life have aged prematurely. I dare not think about my father. I don’t know whether I should mature or continue to be childish and willful. In the second semester of my freshman year, when I saw my father giving me living expenses with his trembling right hand, I vowed to support myself. After that, I basically didn't ask my family for money, except for part of the tuition. But money can't eliminate guilt.

Please don't mention the deadly guilt again.

42-End

On the night of forty-three, Old Wei was indeed drunk.

Like an outsider, I stared blankly at him as he drank cup after cup. Regarding the affairs between him, Lao Liu and a few other people, I was originally an outsider, and I never thought about having a deeper relationship with them. I have a limited number of friends. If I had too many, I’d be afraid I wouldn’t have the energy to treat them well. I am more afraid of being like Lao Wei now, repeatedly dealing with the pain of separation, which will make me feel bored.

Liu occasionally picked up food for me and, like me, looked at those strangers indifferently. Someone started crying. It was Lao Liu. He hugged Xiao He and started crying. Let me make it clear first, Xiao He is not his girl, at the moment. Xiao He maintains an extremely ambiguous relationship with Lao Wei, Lao Liu and Wang Wang. I know that Wangwang likes Xiaohe. He was the one who told me about it. He was the first one to introduce Xiaohe to me. However, when they met formally, it was Lao Wei who acted as the introducer.

Lao Liu also seems to like Xiao He. What girl wouldn't like a guy like Lao Liu? If a cat is hungry, it will eat anything that smells fishy. I know best how Lao Liu felt at that moment. I have been like this before. A girl asked me if I liked her, and I thought she just wanted me to say that I liked her. I said it, and then we went to bed. Things like that are very easy, as long as you pretend to be sincere enough.

Anyone with a discerning eye can see that Xiao He likes Lao Wei. Lao Wei has a girlfriend named Miss W, which is also known to everyone in the circle. Xiao He accepted the fact and in order to continue their ambiguity, she called Lao Wei "brother", which made Lao Liu and Wang Wang somewhat jealous. When Liu Xiaoluan and I lived in Lao Liu's house, Lao Liu came to visit us once and chatted with us for a while, mentioning the story of Xiaohe and Lao Wei. He said that if Lao Wei broke up with Miss W, Miss W would probably commit suicide. But he still thinks that Lao Wei and Xiao He are better together. I don’t know in what aspect he thinks is better.

What kind of girl is Xiaohe? I don’t understand why I always look at her with prejudice. In order to avoid certain suspicions, I basically never mentioned that girl in front of Lao Wei and the others. Their affairs are too complicated. I am not a person who likes complications, so I don’t want to get involved.

I once told Lao Wei that you might as well sleep with Xiao He. I'm not sure if she is a virgin, but she must be good. The condition for me to say that was that Lao Wei mentioned her in front of me many times. Does Lao Wei like Xiao He? Probably a little bit. But I know that he doesn't like girl W, it's almost the same as me not liking Li Jia. After I said that, Lao Wei looked very disdainful and said, "Go away, don't bring your good deeds into my life." I smiled and didn't bother to argue with him any more.

The drunker Old Liu got, the more he talked.

They made a newspaper called "Jiangnan Students". It united various universities in Nanchang. Initially, there was a large group of enthusiastic people who all wanted to make a difference in their youth. Lao Wei is the editor-in-chief, responsible for the newspaper's editing and typesetting work, while Lao Liu is responsible for raising money and controlling the economic lifeline. When they first started out, I poured cold water on Lao Wei. In the end, maybe you're the only one left.

Lao Wei said confidently, no, we are all brothers and we all want to do something. I didn't want to say anything else. When a person is enthusiastic, whatever you say is redundant. Just give him a chance to see the results. I've never been in the mood to join in on things like that.

In the end, all the newspapers that should be scattered were scattered. There was only one person named Xu Xiaogang from China Southern Airlines. He, along with Lao Wei and Lao Liu, continued the unfinished mission of history. There is not enough funding. All the typesetting and other things have been done, but there is no money for printing. When we got a few dollars and thought we could start printing, the printing factory would be afraid to make a mistake when they saw that there was no publication number. Old Wei was exhausted during those days. Exams were approaching in all the schools, so Comrade Xu Xiaogang naturally had to prepare for the exams, leaving Old Wei and Old Liu to fetch water to drink.

And then came the present moment, Lao Liu was about to leave. Although the newspaper has found a printing factory and started printing, there is still insufficient funding. Lao Wei kept drinking and I didn't try to persuade him. He was tired and he needed to get drunk. Then I thought of Miss W. Why was she not there when Lao Wei needed her? Then I thought of Li Jia. When I needed comfort the most, she kept asking me to say something nice. I have long stopped playing childish games of love.

But Li Jia is still a little girl, and I can't stop her from liking the romantic style of playing house. Love that is played at home, at least, doesn't have many worries and can be completely romantic. But I'm exhausted both physically and mentally, how the hell do I have the energy to be romantic with you? There are so many things that exhaust me, it's overwhelming. You don’t understand, you don’t know, you can’t help, so how can I love you?

When Old Liu talked about the newspaper, he still felt guilty.

Lao Wei slammed the wine glass on the table and said, "Lao Liu, if you want to leave, just leave cleanly and don't worry about anything."

A drunk person does not necessarily speak hesitantly. Lao Wei is always very careful when speaking, at least he would never say the word "fuck". But he spoke it that night, and his speech speed was much faster than before. Before Lao Liu could say anything, he continued: Lao Liu, you always do things without finishing them. If you don't change, you will never accomplish anything in your life. I'm so damn unlucky to meet you and become your friend. Look back, what did you do well and follow through to the end? No! If you still consider me your friend, then don't say anything and do anything now. Just go back to your Beijing and never come back until you have made something of yourself.

I don’t know if Lao Liu is drunk.

But Lao Wei was drunk, Lao Liu was gone, and he was the only one left with the remaining things. I once said, why don't I do something. Lao Wei said, you better write it well and make it look good, and never touch things like newspapers. I am tired of seeing them now.

Lao Wei is really tired, and I don’t know how I can help him.

Old Liu, listen to me...Old Wei suddenly burst into tears. Old Liu no longer thought about hugging Xiao He. He and Old Wei hugged each other, both of them with tears on their faces. I raised the cup and took a sip dully. Liu looked at me with concern and whispered, Chen, don't drink so much.

There are so many things, I just want to do something to help him. I didn't expect that there were tears flowing in my pupils. Liu stretched out his left hand, held my right hand, and looked at me carefully.

It will be fine, it will. She said.

Many people were crying, and Wangwang came in at that time. Without saying a word, he picked up a bottle of wine, leaned on the table, and with a snap, he slapped the cap open with his hand. As soon as I tilted my neck back, the water gurgled and the bottom appeared. He held the bottle in his left hand, and with his right index and middle fingers he brushed the bottleneck like the wind, and the bottleneck flew into the crowd at the opposite table. Someone over there stood up and spoke: You are going too far.

Wangwang didn't say anything. He walked over, approached the person who was talking, picked up the half-broken bottle, and smashed it on the person's head. The glass fragments smashed his hand, but the guy's head was so damn hard that nothing happened. He just stared at Wangwang blankly and didn't dare to say anything more. Wangwang raised his left hand, flicked off the broken glass that had pierced his palm, smiled bitterly, and went out. No one was crying anymore. They all looked at his back indifferently, feeling a little overwhelmed, or maybe something else.

I held Liu tightly in my arms and kissed her.

On the night of the 44th, Lao Liu left, and for the first time I was so fucking generous and paid the bill. I'm talking about people who are not my friends. If we eat together like that, I basically won't pay the bill. It may also be because of this reason that I have very few friends, just enough to get by. The boss gave me the bill, it was 175 bucks. I just received 260 bucks from Strait Magazine in the afternoon. More than half of it was spent in a blink of an eye.

Lao Wei went to see Lao Liu off, and Xiao He also went. They were going to take Lao Liu to the train station. Liu Xiaoluan and I only sent him to the school gate as a token of our appreciation for letting him stay overnight. Wangwang was not there, just as I expected. No one mentioned him, and everyone knew the strangeness very well.

He and Lao Liu teamed up to set up Yi Lu You Ni Book Bar, but they were in debt and left with a lot of unresolved issues. Lao Liu just ran away without saying a word. Wangwang is not Lao Wei. Lao Wei does not care about Lao Liu’s irresponsibility and can use friendship to explain everything, but Wangwang cannot explain it. I can’t explain it. If my friend did that, I would rather not have that friend. Friends are friends and matters are matters. They are two different things and should not be mixed up. Maybe that's why I have very few friends, but no matter how few I have, they are still enough.

Lao Liu and Xiao He walked in front, Liu Xiaoluan and I walked behind, and Lao Wei was alone in the middle. Lao Wei walked very calmly, unlike Lao Liu, who was thinking about taking advantage of others intentionally or unintentionally. Also because Lao Wei walked so steadily, it was difficult for me to tell whether he was drunk or awake. Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, as long as I’m alive.

Living is already difficult, what else can you ask for? But humans are animals that, as long as they are alive, will definitely have thoughts. For example, my life is already fucking embarrassing enough. I'm doing terrible in this shitty school and have a red light hanging all over my body. That fucking thing is not a big deal. What’s more terrible is the man called father. He always thought that I was living a happy and stable life in school and would bring honor to their family one day. I am not in the mood to solve these problems, and they are not something I can solve at the moment, but I am still alive, and if I throw those things away, I have to find something else to replace them. I had no choice but to find the girl, occasionally write something, and occasionally chat with Lao Wei.

Life is fucking boring. Liu's appearance did make me find a little meaning. I'm not talking about having sex. Sex is boring. If you think having sex with someone is interesting, then you might as well give it a try. But if you do it with the same girl, you will get bored after doing it two or three times at most.

Liu gave me something else, but I don’t even know what it is. If I figured it out, I might still find it boring. For Aquarius people, without mystery, there is nothing. Although I don't quite believe it, I can't help but try to understand it occasionally. Western astrology theory is a combination of statistics and psychology, and it is not completely nonsense.

We sent Lao Liu and the others to the school gate. It was not very late then and there was still the last bus. But Lao Liu waved his hand, and a taxi, a Shanghai Volkswagen, approached us under the cover of night. Lao Liu is a person who needs face and also lacks patience. I witnessed it with my own eyes that night. Lao Wei didn't say anything. For someone who often hangs out with Lao Liu, that kind of spending would more or less seem like nothing. If you stay with pigs often, you will find that eating, drinking, defecating, urinating and sleeping are all instincts.

You guys go back! Don’t send it. Old Wei lowered his head. I couldn’t see his expression, maybe it was because the night was too dark, or maybe my eyesight was not good enough. As a witness to their friendship, I don't need to see many things too clearly. I just witnessed it accidentally, and they didn't need my testimony.

Forty-five They got on the car. Lao Liu was still holding Xiao He, and Lao Wei became an outsider.

The taxi sped away. Looking at their backs, I began to wonder whether I had told Lao Wei not to go. Not every man is like me, putting friends first. I am not saying that Lao Liu doesn't take his friends seriously, but his approach is a bit biased. At least it is a fact that Xiao He likes Lao Wei more, and it is also a fact that Lao Wei does not dislike Xiao He.

Then he couldn't be so Huang Shirong, especially not in front of his brothers. If my brother and I fell in love with the same girl, I would probably not continue our great love. Even if that girl really likes me and not my poor brother, I still won't go on. You know, girls will change. No matter how much brothers change, damn it, if you were going to change, you would have changed a long time ago. Why wait until today?

The incubation period of a girl's disease is much longer than that of a brother's disease. The longer the incubation period, the more dangerous it is and the more deadly it is to you. Like my fucking first love, fuck, both of them were sickly in love. Before I knew it, she recovered, leaving me alone. I felt too embarrassed to stay in bed. Later I really fell ill. Thinking about our past and our present, no one cares about our future. I fell in the cradle of time, hung with the same bits of memories every day, and suffered for more than three years.

I became haggard and skinny, but more and more sexy - a girl named Annie Baby once said that the thinner a man is, the sexier he is. According to her, those rib-like drug addicts should be the best in sexiness. When I was sick, I had a few girls visit me, but they came and went in a hurry. Except for the one named Li Jia, no one was willing to be sick with me. Now I have Miss Liu Xiaoluan, who said she is willing to be sick with me forever. So I agreed to her and let Miss Li Jia see a doctor after the college entrance examination.

Let’s get back to the topic of my friend and I falling in love with the same girl. Lao Wei and I once conspired to find a girl who would like both of us. Then, just like in the movie "When the Flowers Bloom", our shared property Huanzi belonged to Lao Wei on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and to me on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and Huanzi had a day off on Saturdays. Lao Wei must be just like Gao Ju, who only knows how to take her to watch those disgusting movies that make people milk secrete. And I think my program should be richer.

I would take her to our dormitory, drive all the classmates away, and have sex while watching porn. When my aunt comes knocking on the door, I will shout out, "Stop making noise, I'm busy." I took her to the football field again, and we had sex under the tent. It was very exciting that way, but if we were not careful, the school guards would be patrolling at night, which made us both scared. I can also take her to the riverside, where there is a natural grassland and we can make love in the grass. Making love while watching the sunset, half of the river is rustling and half of the river is red. It's not the night of September 3rd, so there is no need to worry about Bai Juyi peeping.

Lao Wei and I never found such a girl. Our well-thought-out plan at the beginning has become nothing but a joke played by fate on us. Lao Wei will always be just Lao Wei, and I will always be just Chen Cang, changing my alias to Qin Huo, with different eyes, nose, and face, a skinny body, and a lofty soul. The mountain is still the same mountain! What can you do to me? Or, what can I do to you?

Forty-Six said so much, but it seems like he only told you that Lao Liu is finally gone.

A person who had nothing to do with me passed away. Lao Wei went to see him off as a friend and a part-time third wheel. Xiao He was taken advantage of by Lao Liu out of humanitarianism. Liu Xiaoluan and I hugged each other and walked into the night. These are facts, facts that have already happened, facts that neither you nor I can change.

If I leave one day, I wonder if there will be anyone to see me off. I suddenly felt a little sad.

Haha, yes. Liu comforted.

I hope so, but I don’t think so. I smiled bitterly.

When I leave, I hope that everyone who comes to see me off has left. I think the girl in our class who had a cold with me for half a semester should say a symbolic goodbye to me. Probably not, we just had a minor cold and didn’t even have to be hospitalized. But it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing will matter to me. I just left school early. As long as my father doesn't find out - but that's impossible.

The counselor uncle has repeatedly threatened me with this, you are so awesome, just keep writing, the school will force you to drop out and see how you deal with it! How are you going to find a job without a diploma when you enter the society? To be honest, I'm talking about Xiao Chen.

I didn't hear much of what he said. I just said that there was nothing wrong with dropping out of school, just don't notify my father who has lived for half a century.

That's impossible. The counselor uncle discovered my weakness. After that, he came to me many times, and each time he used my father to threaten me. I succumbed little by little, and became more and more helpless. I'm going crazy. Why is it that in higher education institutions that claim not to be exam-oriented education, they still keep instilling the concept that scores are the most important thing? What’s wrong with our education? Our education is not that good. If you want to discuss it, it means you are still young, and Han Han is also still young. Education is like that, what can you do about it?

No matter what you want it to do to you, the end result will be what it does to you.

You are worried about something. Liu Xiaoluan looked at me carefully.

No, just imagining, haha. I pretended to be relaxed.

You'll make me sad if I do that. Liu said softly.

I miss my father. I lowered my head.

It'll be fine, don't worry. You should try your best to prepare for the exam first, pass the ones you can, and then ask the teacher for help if you can't. I think your counselor cares about you a lot. No matter what the purpose is, you shouldn't refuse his help. Liu Xiaoluan placed my right hand in the palm of her left hand.

counselor? He is so snobbish. It's just that his daughter is going to participate in the New Concept Writing Competition and he wants me to help tutor her for a few days. I hate that kind of thing. Last time, his daughter was going to participate in some competition in the city, and she forced me to talk to her about something. As a result, she found an article in my column and copied it almost word for word. She won the first prize and spread the news everywhere with a proud look on her face. Let me say what he is.

You need his help now. How will your father bear it if you drop out of school like that?

Don't talk about my father. I feel annoyed when I think about him.

You can’t…use being annoyed as an excuse to avoid facing the problem. You will have to face it sooner or later, so you might as well start early. At least you won’t wait until things can no longer be changed before you do something. Wouldn't that make you suffer more? I don't want to see you more depressed than you are now, you know.

I think you are quite long-winded. Can't you say less and stop telling me those things?

Qin Huo! No, Chencang! How can you say that? !

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? !

Okay, I'm too lazy to argue with you.

Who is following who?

On the night of the forty-seventh, Liu Xiaoluan and I had our first quarrel, and it was a very fierce one. How could I not know that she was doing this for my own good, at least so that I could explain myself better to my father. But what can I do? Things have come to this point and it’s not that simple. More importantly, I just didn't want to stay in school anymore.

On the way back to the dormitory, I didn't talk to Liu. Although I wanted to say something to her, at least apologize, when I was about to apologize, she apologized to me first. I also became convinced again that there was something between us that allowed us to be together forever. I was walking in front, at a pretty fast pace, and she was always lagging behind. She quickened her pace, came forward and pulled my right hand, and I cooperated by slowing down my pace.

You are still angry. She pouted and asked in a low voice.

No. I pretended to be indifferent and said.

He said no and stopped talking to me. She was still pouting.

You say it. I still pretended to be indifferent and ignored it.

I'm really not angry. Then, then just smile. Her appearance makes you unable to bear to continue pretending, and the same goes for me. I stopped pretending, I held her in my arms, kissed her, and told her I loved her. I never thought that I would shed tears of conscience at that moment.

On the right side there is a row of camphor trees, swaying in the night shadows; on the left side is a telephone booth, the China Railway Communications Corporation, which was born at the wrong time. They witnessed our love. I believe that even if one day even we ourselves forget that there was a moment when we loved each other so deeply, those trees and that telephone booth will definitely remember. Because, in this absurd world, there are not many things worth remembering.

When I wanted to kiss her for a while longer, the weather turned bad and it started to rain. The drizzle in early summer is a bit crazy. We returned to the dormitory at the same speed as our senior Ye Zhichao, who ran 500 miles in one night. Fortunately, we were not caught by the aunt who was guarding us.

We went to bed early that night and made love under the sheets.

My brother who slept on the upper bunk accidentally sneezed and we had a false alarm. Not long after we entered, the guy on the upper bunk coughed, and we had another false alarm. Just when we were getting a little interested, the idiot on the upper bunk started talking in his sleep, and we had another false alarm! After three false alarms, I don’t even want to kiss, let alone have sex.

Two words: embarrassing!

Four words: Really embarrassing!

Six words: So fucking embarrassing!

Forty-eight Old Liu is really gone. A train numbered T108 pulled him, along with Lao Wei and Xiao He's eyes, towards Beijing at 1:51 in the morning. According to someone trustworthy, Xiao He cooperated with the director and cried her heart out, and Lao Wei felt sad again. After Lao Liu was taken away, Lao Wei took Xiao He and tried hard to find an expired copy of "Mengya" magazine in the newspaper booth in the waiting hall.

Finally found it, Lao Wei took out the money with the most agile hands, paid with the most handsome movements, took the magazine, and spoke to Xiao He in the most emotional tone: I can't do anything more for you, about Lao Liu's escape. You once asked me to find that magazine for you, but I never could find it. Qin Huo is really not a brotherly guy. He bought the book, but he would rather tear it up and use it as toilet paper than let me give it to you. But today I finally found it. Nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it. Chairman Mao said so. He is indeed a great man. We have the foresight to know that we flowers will be exhausted physically and mentally over an outdated magazine, so we prepare the medicine to relieve our fatigue in advance.

The person who is trustworthy is Lao Wei, the director is also Lao Wei, who else could the script writer and actor be? When Lao Wei told me those things, a cloud of smile appeared on his face. At that moment, I don’t know if that idiot thought about Miss W, but I won’t mention it because he definitely doesn’t want me to mention it. He told me those words much later, and nothing seemed important at that time.

Lao Wei and Xiao He took a taxi back from the train station. According to the trustworthy person, it was exactly 3:30 in the morning. Xiao He climbed through the window and returned to their dormitory. Lao Wei was not stronger than Xiao He, but he couldn't climb through the window. The main reason is that he doesn't want to climb. He is not me. If it were me, I would definitely crawl in with Xiaohe and then hold her in my arms to sleep in the same bed. If Xiaohe doesn't object, we could do something else.

Old Wei walked into the Yi Lu You Ni Bookstore in a daze, fell to the ground and fell asleep. The mosquitoes that had been lying in ambush for a long time swarmed over him. Old Wei was powerless to resist and simply didn't bother to resist. Thanks to those mosquitoes, I was able to confirm that some of the things said by that trustworthy person were true and reliable. I'm too lazy to ask about other things. I just know a little bit that Lao Wei seems to have some feelings for Xiao He. He had the same experience as me, and there was a girl beside him. He is more stubborn than me and thinks a man can only be sick with one girl at the same time. I'm used to being sick, and I have to find a few more girls so that I can look more sick.

He seemed to have repeatedly tried to bring Xiao He and Wang Wang together at the beginning, but after that night, his actions like this disappeared without a trace. Although it doesn't seem like he has any conspiracy against Xiaohe, perhaps having no conspiracy is the biggest conspiracy. Wangwang was not present, and Lao Wei only said those words to me, because he knew that I only betrayed him with words and not with my mouth, and he liked being betrayed.

One likes to betray others, and the other likes to be betrayed by others. If two people like that can't be friends, who else can be friends?

Forty-nine Willow Little Bunches has been out for many days. Her friend Miss Y from the past left her a message on QQ, asking her to go back as soon as possible. Liu didn't go back, maybe she thought I was more important, or maybe things at school were too unimportant. But she is a more realistic person than me, or you can say, more unrealistic than me. She studies very well and perhaps she is very talented in coping with exams.

She is not in a hurry and I am too lazy to urge her. I needed her, needed the feeling of her being by my side, and everything else became secondary.

She told me about her and girl Y. They are very close, almost as close as me and Lao Wei. Later, girl Y got a boyfriend, a contractor from another place. I got to know them both when I was contracting a project near their school. Liu said that he knew that the man was not a good person the first time he saw him. He was just desperately thinking about having sex with girls. He was that kind of person. Miss Y was willing to do it, because she felt that she loved him, and if she loved him she would give her all without hesitation, satisfy him, and even indulge him in the end.

He didn't love her, not from the beginning, never. One time, Liu went to see him with girl Y. While girl Y was taking a shower, he came up to her, hugged her and said, "Liu, I don't love her, I like you." Then he strongly requested to find a suitable time to go to bed. When Liu said this, he smiled bitterly.

Miss Y is very pitiful. I said indifferently.

She had fallen into his trap and couldn't get out. Willow sighed.

You should persuade her, or tell her what he did to you. I said.

It doesn't work, I tried.

She is so persistent.

As for feelings, girls are all like that.

I don't think it's called emotion, it's just stupidity.

Feelings don't require intelligence.

Maybe.

I once advised her, I said, if you want to continue with him, we can't be friends anymore. In the end, she didn't choose me, but chose him. For girls, love is the most important thing, friendship does not exist, even if love is just an illusion. Liu Momo said this, she was in a daze.

The betrayal of friendship is truly terrifying.

Betrayal is terrible.

Fifty-Y girl is no longer Liu's friend. It's just the past tense. The past tense can only be used for memories, and the result of memories is helplessness. Then Liu chose to go online, and based on some feeling, he found my bastard novel, and finally came to Nanchang to find me.

I am becoming less and less clear about what the breakdown of her friendship with Miss Y means to her. I just felt more and more clearly that Liu was just a child, even though she repeatedly gave me an unusual feeling. A truly mature person, at least someone who has grown to a certain level, will not take other people's betrayal seriously. Because no one in life is worthy of complete trust, except yourself. In other words, his trust in anyone is discounted. Keep some trust in yourself, at least you won’t be too overwhelmed when you are betrayed.

In other words, a truly mature person will not be at a loss. He knows what he should and should not do, and he handles it well. Any external influence is secondary and does not even pose a threat. Liu can't do it, and neither can I.

We need to mature and grow, which means we need to take back trust little by little. At least you should not put too much trust in one person. That would be extremely disadvantageous for you. No one can hurt you unless you care about him (her). In this world today, there are not many people worth caring about, except yourself.

I don’t want to say anything more about the friendship between Liu and Miss Y. But I was worried about Liu. I suddenly didn’t know what she really needed, or even why everything happened between us. When it comes to true love, suspicion is inevitable. I don't know why I think or suspect that. But I fucking thought that, I was afraid of her unreality, even though I was already nakedly embracing a ball of fiery true love.

Everyone is ridiculous, so you should understand that I am as ridiculous as you.

Fifty-one Old Wei has been repeating certain sorrows, although I know it is useless to use the word "sorrow" to describe him. In Lao Wei's life, too many things have nothing to do with sadness. But Lao Liu's departure did make him show some signs of sadness, at least in those few short days. Liu Xiaoluan was very lucky to have run into the sad Old Wei, and she was even luckier to have run into the sad Old Wei with me.

If it were me, I might be happier: Lao Liu is gone, and there is one less person to take advantage of Xiao He, and the oil that should have been taken by Lao Liu is left for me to take advantage of. But Lao Wei is just Lao Wei, he can’t be me, and I will never be Lao Wei. That is the limitation between Lao Wei and me. I know that if Lao Wei and I fell in love with the same girl, I would run away from her. Lao Wei is a person who can bring happiness to a girl, but I am just a passer-by on the road to happiness. There are too many uncertainties in my bones that make me doubt the existence of happiness. As a result, in the end, my life was a mess and unrecognizable.

Lao Wei wouldn’t do that, at least he wouldn’t let the girl he likes bear any responsibility. As for Miss W, my only explanation is that he doesn't like her. But I'm not sure about Xiao He. I am very fortunate that Lao Wei doesn’t like the girls I like, and I also dislike most of the girls he likes. Then I thought, if he got married and was taught to be more obedient by that girl, our damn friendship might be over.

Old Liu is gone, he is going to Beijing to meet Chairman Mao's body, and you can't stop him. I have jokingly advised Lao Wei in such an extreme way several times, but I know it is useless. If I could fool them of their four years of friendship with just a few jokes, then their pure friendship would be as pure as smoke, which would be blown away by the breeze, and dissipate quickly. I've told so many jokes that I find them boring myself. Then I thought, it would be better to talk more nonsense with Liu Xiaoluan, kiss her more often, and make love with her more often. I hope that she can feel certain feelings in my body, and even become attached to them, and then miss me as much as I miss her.

We were kissing on the marble benches diagonally opposite the "I've Got You All the Way" book bar, and the boys on the balcony of the dormitory building opposite kept shouting, as if to encourage us. To be honest, we don't need encouragement, at least I don't need encouragement. I hugged Liu's shoulders and kissed her lips. She snuggled happily in my arms, intoxicated. I carefully looked at her lightly closed eyes, slightly curved eyebrows, and her peaceful and gentle face. My left hand originally moved closer to her slightly heaving chest, but finally slid down to her waist. I suddenly felt that any form of performance was blasphemous, or at least unnecessary. I just want to hold her quietly like that, look at her, feel her, and cling to her.

You're always with me at this bookstore, it will still be open even without Lao Liu. Lao Liu ran the business for half a year and suffered a loss of half a thousand yuan. He was left with a shell of his former self, and he persevered with gritted teeth. I don't know if it was friendship, maybe it should be called brotherhood, friendship is really too mediocre. But Wangwang was disappointed with Lao Liu. Lao Wei and others knew all those things. I looked at the light and thought about the books I treasured on the bookshelf, but I only thought of Xu Zhimo's "Aimei Xiaozha". My Liu Xiaoluan and Xu's Lu Xiaoman were inexplicably so similar.

The lights in the Fifty-Two Bookstore are my favorite dark yellow, and the curtains and door drapes are also my favorite yellow-brown color, blending in with Leslie Cheung's voice, ambiguous and sad. When I was extremely happy, I fell in love with the ambiguity and sadness, and I don’t want to use more words to interpret them. Before Liu came to Nanchang, before Lao Wei came back from his internship, and before any other girls asked me to have sex with them, I was living a very confused life.

I was so confused that I didn’t know when to eat. I often skipped meals. Maybe to some extent I hated eating alone. But I know I can't afford to go to a bookstore. It's too expensive and I always just sit there aimlessly. Occasionally I read books, occasionally I look at girls, more occasionally I listen to Leslie Cheung’s music, and more occasionally is often.

That's how I got to know Wangwang. He told me about Xiaohe and said her family was very rich. That is what I remember most clearly, about money. I was laughing at Wangwang in my heart but I wouldn’t say it out loud. I felt like I was pretty awesome. I could even disguise myself. Then he started to say things like how much Xiao He admired me, which gave me confidence. I accepted them all, and the initial ridicule was squeezed out of my heart. I fell into the trap accidentally, and suddenly I felt that the traditional Chinese trick of flattery and flattery has been used for five thousand years, but no one can escape it, naturally including Chairman Mao himself - Brother Biao almost made Chairman Mao fall when he used that trick. Fortunately it was a close call, otherwise we would have to change the content of the history we study.

I would occasionally see Xiao He. She always looked very polite, but she actually looked down on me in her heart. I also tried my best to pretend to be magnanimous and smiled, showing my eight teeth, so that she would have nightmares at night. But such a cold war has become boring to me after a long time. There are too few interesting things. Only Lao Wei is getting closer and closer to Xiao He, and still doesn't find it boring. I told Lao Wei, you are so fucking energy-consuming. You can make love for so long that hundreds of sows have been fucked to death by you. Old Wei smiled slightly. He didn't bother to argue with me.

I looked at the lamp, feeling so quiet. Liu fell asleep, and the slight airflow from her nostrils told me that she was still alive, living happily in my arms. Those messy little things flashed through my mind and eventually faded from my memory. I also finally return to silence, wherever I return to is to the night and life.

When Wushisanliu woke up, the lights in the book bar were still on.

There is a full moon floating in the night sky, as if it had become full by accident. Lao Wei said that when he looked at the moon, he only looked at the dark part. In other words, on the night when the moon was bright, Lao Wei saw no moon. I seem to remember saying this to Liu before, but I said it again that night. Liu looked at me carefully, as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he didn't. But I already knew what she was going to say.

I smiled and kissed her.

She didn't smile, just looked at me quietly.

We walked into the book bar together, and Lao Wei sat in the seat he was most familiar with - the one on the left near the bar. He greeted us, looking relaxed but unable to hide his tiredness. I didn't say anything. Liu greeted us formally and we still sat at the table reserved for couples.

We didn't want anything.

I looked at her, but I was thinking about Lao Wei. The newspaper issue seemed to have been resolved, but it seemed to have only solved a piece of shit. I tried my best not to care, but I couldn't. Lao Wei is my friend. Damn it, it’s been more than 1,000 days. If nothing happens, maybe I should really jump off the building. But I knew better that asking would only make Lao Wei more upset, and the most important thing was that I couldn't help at all.

But I have to ask.

Especially when none of Old Wei’s friends asked. The result of my asking was that, just as I had imagined, he was very impatient. The newspaper has been printed, more than 5,000 copies, and the printing fee of 2,000 yuan has not been paid a penny. I told him I was going to borrow money, and he smiled bitterly and said that two thousand yuan was not a small amount. I also know that the person who is willing to lend you 2,000 yuan must be your friend. Apart from Lao Wei, Xiao Ming and Xie Liubin, no one else would do that. But none of them did. It’s not a matter of friendship, it’s a matter of ability.

I asked my father for it. I was silent for a while, lowered my head, and said those six words in a dull voice.

Chen, stop it, don't break your rules for me.

Okay, I'll call back later.

Don't give up your three years of persistence for two thousand yuan if you consider me a brother.

…

I know you are more tired than me, but that's what I don't want to say. Because I can't help you except understanding. And now, I am the same, and you can't help me. After saying these words, Lao Wei took a deep breath, his eyes indifferent and cold. I thought if only I had fucking money, but I don’t—that’s just the way it is.

Fifty-four Old Wei is asking me to stick to something.

Those were things he could never stick with, because he gave up right at the beginning.

I am persisting, but the result of my persistence is heart-wrenching pain. I didn't ask my family for money, including what I just said. Lao Wei doesn't want me to do that, because he knows that if I do that, I will suffer even deeper guilt, at least towards my father. But I didn't do that, and I felt more guilty towards him.

During this period, I borrowed money from a few netizens who seemed to care about me. I wanted to scrape together some money and see if I could borrow some money to put out the manager of the printing factory's fireworks. I asked an online friend in Zhengzhou whom I had been dating for three years. As far as I remembered, she was my adopted sister. I said I only wanted to borrow 300 yuan and pay her back in a month. She promised yes and yes, but there has been no response since then.

I went to Hainan to borrow money from an aunt who had replied to my posts many times. I said I wanted to borrow 500 yuan and pay her back when school starts. She also agreed to it, but there has been no response so far. So when I later saw her very touching replies, I couldn't be more fucking disgusted.

I went to borrow money from a guy who once said to me, "Brother, your business is my business. Just ask me if you need help in the future." I told him that if he was afraid that I wouldn't pay him back, I would leave my ID card with him. He agreed as usual, saying, "Okay, okay, I'll return to Nanchang from Guangzhou tomorrow and send it to you." He must have died on the way there, because I still haven’t seen his body.

Trust is incomplete and needs to be tested with money. Sincerity is a beautiful crystal ball, which accidentally falls on the floor covered with banknotes and shatters into pieces.

55. Liu Xiaoluan and I went to the Agricultural Bank of China at the University of Finance and Economics.

She forced me to go.

She was queuing in front of the ATM at the door, and there was a long line of people withdrawing money. The sun really didn't like those misers, so he shone his dazzling and poisonous light fiercely, but no one was burned to death. Liu was covered in sweat. I looked at her with a wry smile, wondering what suffering she was going through.

Finally it was her turn. I sat down on the flower bed at the side, not wanting to see anything. I was just thinking, what the hell are those crappy magazines? They’ve been using my articles for half a year, why haven’t they paid me yet? And those fucking shitty netizens, why do they talk so much like they are farting? In the end, I feel that they didn’t fart, the real one who farted was me, especially my trust in them. I trust that they are richer than me, I trust that they are more sincere than me, I trust that they understand my words, and I trust that they trust me and Lao Wei as much as I trust them.

All my words are nothing but a bunch of old fart to a bunch of people like that. And luckily, or unfortunately, they've accidentally farted the same old shit before. They read my texts, replied to me, contacted me, and gave me the same feeling of being moved. They just wanted to tell me that they finally found it in that farting space on the Internet - the fart they had farted many years ago.

Therefore, they feel it is intimate, real, and even have hallucinations: Did you happen to be sick and hospitalized the same year I was sick and hospitalized, and happened to be in the bed next to mine? Otherwise, how come you are so familiar with the sound and smell of my farts. They think I am their fart friend, at least someone who can describe their farts in words.

Fart is invisible and comes and goes like the wind. In today's world, it's not easy to find an expert at writing missing fart notices. It is even rarer to find someone like me who is free and available at any time. But in fact, it was all an illusion, it was fate, I just accidentally let out a few farts that sounded and smelled similar to theirs. I don't fucking know them, let alone know their shit.

A thousand-year-old fart finally has an echo and aftertaste. I fucking thought that my public morality could at least earn me some trust, so I lent Lao Wei a few cents to shut up that bastard printing factory manager and prevent him from continuing to fart and pollute the environment. As a result, no one in the world cares about environmental protection, despite my repeated propaganda.

Liu came over.

She handed me 150 yuan.

That’s all I have on my card, you can give it to Lao Wei.

…

Everything will be fine, Chen, don't worry.

…

Really, you have to believe in me and yourself.

…

I really didn't say anything, I just stared at her. I held her in my arms, put the money back in my pocket, and cried freely. Then there was a wry smile, but with a hint of happiness. She also kept crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, feeling aggrieved and helpless. We left without saying a word.

I stuck out my tongue and licked the taste of my own tears.

I tasted two different flavors.

The taste of being loved.

The taste of love.

Fifty-six I couldn’t help Lao Wei.

When I apologized to him, he didn't need to apologize. He borrowed 1,000 yuan from someone. I don't know under what conditions he got the 1,000 yuan, but it certainly wasn't good. I didn't ask anything else, and I didn't want to ask anymore. For the first time, I experienced the feeling of paleness.

Lao Wei said, if you ask your father for money, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I smiled bitterly and said nothing. I didn't want to say anything. But I told him about Liu's behavior, and he sighed, then whispered, "Asshole, treat her well, it's rare that someone cares about you so much." I smiled bitterly again. I didn’t know why I was smiling bitterly, but I suddenly got used to the feeling of smiling bitterly. Maybe that feeling suits me more. Between sighing and smiling bitterly, I chose to smile bitterly and hate sighing.

I was thinking, Lao Liu is gone - a premise that has been repeated N times, and a new conclusion is drawn again. But I know that no matter what the conclusion is, it will be equally boring, really boring and fucking boring. His departure just means there is one less bastard in that bastard place of Nanchang, and one more bastard in that bastard place of Beijing. But in Lao Wei's eyes, he is definitely not a bastard, just like me.

Even though Lao Wei likes to call me a bastard, I know he definitely thinks I'm not a bastard, at least not an ordinary bastard. The truth is, I was just like any other asshole, because I couldn't help him when he needed a hand.

You'll find that you can be a jerk sometimes.

I mean, if you have friends too.

Fifty-six I couldn’t help Lao Wei.

When I apologized to him, he didn't need to apologize. He borrowed 1,000 yuan from someone. I don't know under what conditions he got the 1,000 yuan, but it certainly wasn't good. I didn't ask anything else, and I didn't want to ask anymore. For the first time, I experienced the feeling of paleness.

Lao Wei said, if you ask your father for money, I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I smiled bitterly and said nothing. I didn't want to say anything. But I told him about Liu's behavior, and he sighed, then whispered, "Asshole, treat her well, it's rare that someone cares about you so much." I smiled bitterly again. I didn’t know why I was smiling bitterly, but I suddenly got used to the feeling of smiling bitterly. Maybe that feeling suits me more. Between sighing and smiling bitterly, I chose to smile bitterly and hate sighing.

I was thinking, Lao Liu is gone - a premise that has been repeated N times, and a new conclusion is drawn again. But I know that no matter what the conclusion is, it will be equally boring, really boring and fucking boring. His departure just means there is one less bastard in that bastard place of Nanchang, and one more bastard in that bastard place of Beijing. But in Lao Wei's eyes, he is definitely not a bastard, just like me.

Even though Lao Wei likes to call me a bastard, I know he definitely thinks I'm not a bastard, at least not an ordinary bastard. The truth is, I was just like any other asshole, because I couldn't help him when he needed a hand.

You'll find that you can be a jerk sometimes.

I mean, if you have friends too.

57 We met the foreign teacher Jumbo twice in the book bar. The first time was on Children’s Day, around eight o’clock in the evening. Jumbo is an amiable old scholar, full of childlike curiosity and approachable. I am terrible at speaking English, or you could say I am terrible at learning English. My major requires me to pass the National Level 6 exam, but I haven't even passed Level 4. But I privately think that I know no less than those who have passed CET-6. In other words, they have passed CET-6 and can speak and read English, which is no different from me.

When we first entered the book bar and greeted Jumbo, he said in pure Irish English in a friendly and humorous manner, "Hello you, Happy Children's Day!" Liu smiled back, Thank you, The same to you! Everyone in the book bar started laughing, and I laughed too. I thought I understood what they said. Then he gave each of us a piece of candy and casually made a joke to me, saying in fluent Chinese, "Are you still a child?"

His unintentional words suddenly made me feel much heavier. I am no longer a child. I need to take charge of many things myself and should bear the consequences of my own actions and decisions. Maybe this is the difference between children and adults. I smiled bitterly and said, I hope so, but not.

Jumbo talked to us a lot that night. I listened most of the time. I could understand the communication between their hearts and eyes. It had nothing to do with English. Later he left. He could see that I was worried and hoped that I could be happier. I remember Liu said something during that time: Regarding me, everyone knows me, and nobody knows me. Her eyes were so sincere when she spoke, I felt that our love was so real.

The second time I saw Jumbo was after Children's Day, that's for sure. It was in the afternoon, and we didn't talk much else. He and I had the same feeling that Liu Zhen was a smart girl. Even if we only look at it objectively, she is the only person I have ever met who can truly communicate freely with foreign teachers. Her words are not boring and her conversation is quite sociable. That's something I hadn't discovered before. She is indeed different from many women I have met. Perhaps all the women I have met are different from others and outstanding, but I just didn't have time to discover it. I give all my time and heart to Liu, inadvertently. Maybe it's called fate, or the possibility of love.

I thought of Ping'er. We hadn't had any news for a long time. I suddenly didn’t want to have any contact with her anymore. I felt that Liu was more important and I should start giving up a lot of things. As for Weiwei, I don't think I need to think about it, just put her in the blacklist. That way it would be as if we had never noticed each other. I have a bad memory and forget things easily. Li Jia had no choice, she had to take the college entrance examination. I never told her about those things about Ping'er and Weiwei, which did not require anything.